“But we agreed… I explained it’s only because it’s not safe for you to be with me in any other way. I’m not gonna put you at risk because of what I do. I’m never gonna do that.”
“I know that. But that decision has consequences, whether you want it to or not. And one of the consequences is that we can’t… we can’t move forward. I don’t get to share a life with you.I don’t get to know your parents or your friends, beyond that one time I met them because you had no other choice. I don’t get to be anything to you except your weekend fuck.”
“Yes, you fucking do!” he bursts out, his eyes fierce in that way I’ve only seen occasionally. “You’reeverythingto me, but I can’t?—”
“Stop saying that! Just stop. I understand your reasons, but you need to understand my feelings. You’re out there being a hero and fitting me in as your woman whenever it’s convenient for you. And even swaggering in and intimidating my customers when you feel like it.” When he starts to object, I talk over him. “While I’m still here where I’ve always been, being Jill in the red dress from the Pub, fucking two other men every week as I go through day after day trying to get to the few hours on the weekend when I get to be with you. Only for you to fuck me and leave—like all my other customers.”
“Jill,” he rasps, his face twisting. “No! You can’t really think that. The way we are together isn’t like how you are with those other men. You’ve got to know?—”
“I thought that was true, but a real relationship doesn’t get frozen in time. A real relationship… moves forward. That’s what I thought…” My voice wobbles, but there are still no tears, even though it feels like my heart is being wrenched out of my chest. “But it’s not. And now I know it never will.”
“It will when it’s safe. I promise it will move forward when it’s safe.”
“When will that be? Tell me exactly when it will be safe enough for us to be together for real.”
“When…” He takes a loud, ragged breath. “When the militia isn’t after me like this. When they’re not trying to use anything or anyone to get to me.”
All the energy has sapped out of me in a matter of seconds, and I now feel like a deflated balloon. “So never?” I say, soft and clipped. “You’re saying we’re never going to be together?”
“No, I’m not saying that in any fucking way! I’m saying that we need to wait a little while until you being someone I love doesn’t put your life in constant danger.”
I hear the verb he uses.Love. I hear it and internally clutch at it, but the rest of what he’s saying freezes that tiny flutter of hope to ice. “So we’re back to what I said then. You paying to fuck me when it’s convenient, and me sitting around waiting endlessly for some sort of fairy-tale ending to materialize.”
“No.” He’s so upset he’s shaking with it. His mouth is twisting and twisting as he tries to control his breathing. He reaches over to cup my cheek. “Jill, how can you think that when you’re the most important thing in the world to me? Do you really think I’m not head over fucking heels in love with you? Do you really think I haven’t been almost from the beginning? That I don’t dream of you every single night? That I don’t ache to hold you, to talk to you, to see your face when I open my eyes every morning? That I don’t want my parents and all my friends to know you for real for how warm and brave and generous you are? How unbreakable you are. That it’s the thought of you that gets me through every brutal day?”
Now I’m shaking too. Hugging my arms to my chest. Because this is everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from him, but I’m afraid it’s not going to matter in the end.
I’m right.
Of course I am.
Because Cade goes on, “But I’m sorry. If my choices are having everything with you while you’re in more danger or keeping you safe, then I’m gonna choose your safety. Every single time. We can’t have what we want just because we want it. This miserable world isn’t going to change just for us.”
“So thenwechange it!” There’s a tiny tear beaded just under my right eye. I use my fingertips to brush it away. “If the world won’t change for us, then we make it change. You’ve got so many people with you now. And nearly all the locals are on your side, and they’d come to help if you ask. If it’s the militia that’s keeping us apart, then why don’t we push the militia out?”
“Oh, angel,” he says on a hoarse exhale. He rubs at his beard with both hands. “I’ve thought about that. I really have. So many times. But how can I risk so many lives on a… on a dream?”
“You’re the leader. And that’s what every leader who’s ever done something worthwhile does. They risk lives to fight for a dream.”
Cade is silent for a minute except for his heavy breathing. He stares down at the floor.
And I wait like I’ve always waited—for this world not to hurt me.
Then he says, “I can’t, Jill. I’m so sorry, but I can’t. Maybe someday. Maybe soon. Not right now.”
So that’s that then.
The world is what it’s always been. And I’m still nothing more than a fragile female duck, clenching down around the one small defense she possesses against the assault.
Like her, I might have to accept it, but I do not have to submit all the way.
“Okay,” I manage to choke out. “I understand.”
“Do you?”
“I do. Please leave.”
“What? No! I’m not gonna leave you like this. Not when you look almost… broken.”
