I didn’t need this kind of heat right now. I saw Tank being brought out. He was the owner according to the rest of the world. A couple of officers were talking to him, and a paramedic led him to an ambulance waiting. His arm was in a sling, and his head was wrapped in a bandage. He looked like he had been through it.
Our eyes locked briefly from across the street from one another. It was like he knew to look my way. I could tell by the dark glimmer in his eyes that he had something to say. Tank was solid though. He was one of few that I knew around the way that always helped me out, and vice versa. I kept Tank and his family fed. He got to send his kids away and off to college. I made sure he didn’t have to be involved with anything that was illegal. He made good money around here, and I sent him bonuses twice a year that were enough to set him right for many years to come if he moved right with it. This didn’t feel like an attack on Tank as much as it was a message to me. Sometimes a nigga thought too much, but my shit never steered me wrong.
Lock
About three months later…
My daughter was almost four months old, and my view of the world had changed. We were settled into our home, and everything was all good, at least on my end. Alba was going through her postpartum shit. She was up one minute, and down the next. Most of her time was spent in bed. She was breastfeeding, and everything seemed to make her miserable. I didn’t know how to fucking help her, other than taking our daughter off her hands anytime that I was home. She seemed so fucking disconnected, and I was helpless and beside myself.
“Look at you,” I cooed at Auriella, my baby girl.
She had a nigga cooing and shit. She was in my lap, resting on her back while sucking on her binky. Brown skinned with big,round, brown eyes that carried full lashes. Her alertness is what I loved about her. When she looked at me, that shit made me feel like somebody. I thought I knew love before, at least my own understanding of it. Fatherhood was different. This kind of love was instant. The minute I saw her, I was hooked. Nothing else mattered before or after her.
“Daddy loves you, always remember that. I’ll never love anybody the way that I love you, or your mama for having you.” I gently stroked her thick, curly hair.
She smiled, still keeping the binky tucked between her gums. A nigga’s heart melted. She was everything. Having her put a lot more into perspective for me. Everything with Harbor seemed so trivial now. I cared about her, that was for sure. Part of me probably always would, but that was behind me now. I had a lot to focus on. My child meant more to me than some torch that I was carrying for a woman that wasn’t mine anymore.
We were young, and life had come between us. It didn’t stop her from coming to mind from time to time, or me wondering what she meant months ago when I last saw her. We ended up handling everything by messenger, just as she suggested. Alba thought it was for the best, and honestly, a nigga was tired of feeling rejected. I had seen her with Frequency. Alba and I watched them interact a little too long before they knew we were present. Harbor had never looked at me in that way. When she did take me in now, it wasn’t the same. There was something there, and I didn’t have a definition for it. I wasn’t willing to risk what was in front of me for it either.
Across the room, seated in a chair, Alba stared out a window. I soaked her in while Auri grasped my finger in her entire tiny hand.
“Yo, you want to get out of the house? Maybe we can take a walk or something?” I suggested. “Grab some food from one of your favorite spots.”
“I’m good.” She answered but didn’t bother looking my way as she sipped her coffee.
“No the fuck you not.” I replied. “Go get dressed. You’ve been sitting in this fucking house for months now. You don’t do shit. Auri can even pick up on your mood.” I glanced down into my daughter’s face.
“Good thing she has you then, right?” She finally looked my way, and it was like she was staring a hole right through me.
“I’m trying to be cool and patient with you Alba, but what the fuck are you trying to do?” My voice raised, alarming my daughter. “You ain’t making an effort for shit.”
“Oh, am I not doing enough for you, Lock, hmm? Is this not what your precious fucking Harbor would be like if she had your baby instead of me?” Alba questioned, eyes misting.
“What the fuck are you talking about? What the hell does Harbor even have to do with this?” I demanded, growing agitated.
I stood, bouncing Auriella on my shoulder. Her bassinet was in the corner of the room, so I went to place her in it.
“You’re fucking tripping.” I spun around on Alba.
“Maybe, but you can’t tell me that you haven’t been thinking about her.” She accused, eyes piercing me.
“You know what I’ve been thinking about? Our daughter. Trying to make our house a fucking home. You’ve been sitting around here throwing a fucking pity party when you should be enjoying this time. I’ve asked what you need from me, and you don’t give me shit. The fuck you want from me! I ain’t seen or talked to that girl in months.”
“We live in the fucking house that she picked out for us!” Alba stormed up to her feet. She got in my face, hers turned into an ugly scowl. “And if she never would have gone missing would we even have our daughter? Can you say that, Lock?”
“How the fuck you trying to turn this shit around on me?” Both of my brows furrowed and my face gathered in a scowl. “You need to go sit down and talk to somebody, Alba. Ya ass is fucking losing it. If you need some time away from the baby just call ya mama or something. I’ll take her where she needs to go.”
“Oh, so now I ain’t fit to even care for her by myself!” She snapped.
“You know what, fuck you.” I aimed a finger at her. “I don’t know how fucking long I’m expected to sit here and take this shit from you when all I’m trying to do is fucking help you!”
“All you’re doing is trying to console your own fucking guilt! Get the fuck out of here, Lock!”
“You know what, I think I will get the fuck out. Maybe if I leave for a while, you will be forced to do something with yourself too.” Snatching my car keys off a nearby table, I stomped toward the door, leaving Alba and my daughter alone.
I had to get away from her before I really spazzed the fuck out. She was fragile right now and I didn’t want to do that to her. I had taken enough out on her, and didn’t want to be the reason she finally slipped over the edge. I wanted my fucking friend back though. That was the fucked up part of our relationship, when we got intimate it meant that our friendship wasn’t the same. The minute we landed in bed together, everything between us shifted. Now I had gained a baby mama and lost my best friend. The trade didn’t come off even to me, most niggas I knew grew to despise their baby mama’s, and I didn’t want that for us.
After spending a few hours on the block, by the time the sun had gone down, I was seated at the bar inside the Executive Lounge, which was a private bar and grill type of place. After a platter of wings and fries, I had a couple of beers and sat back watching some NBA highlights with the rest of the crowd. There were a couple of people in the back shooting darts and pool.Something caught my eye. Sure enough, Harmonie raised her glass in greeting. The bartender set a fresh tequila shot in front of me.
