There’s not much doubt I’ll be called on to do so again.
My past and future crimes aren’t what troubles me as I trot down the stairs. On the opposite wall above the front door, the spectral bull skull has remained in the same spot for decades. In the mood I’m in, the sight of the thing hits me like a bad omen. The glow of being with Cecilia is rapidly fading, replaced by a bleak, unreasonable guilt I’ve carried around for nearly twenty-five years.
That long ago camping trip was only supposed to last for one night.
I’m the one who begged and pleaded with my father to stay longer.
If I hadn’t, he would have been home when murderers descended on Storm’s Eye Ranch.
And my mother might have lived to see her sons grow up.
11
CECILIA
THE PROS AND CONS OF MARRYING JULIAN TEMPESTA
PROS:
Gabriel will be protected
I’m deeply attracted to Julian
My cat really likes being here
I really like being here too
I’ll finally be free of Grandfather and Angelo
Being Julian’s wife means I’ll be part of a family again
CONS:
We’re not in love
Momentarily stalled, I click the pen against my teeth and stare at the words I just wrote in my journal. Lists are always my favorite tool to sort out complicated thoughts. Try as I might, I cannot come up with more ‘cons’.
The appeal of returning to Arizona diminishes with each passing day. I have no job to go back to. No friends within a thousand miles except for Alice. My so-called ‘independence’ received a fatal blow with Angelo’s scowling confession.
And Gabriel’s fate weighs heavily on my mind. Currently, I have no means of prying him free from our grandfather’s clutches. However, I’d have far more leverage with the Tempesta family behind me. They might even be willing to give Gabe a job.
Going out with the Tempesta brothers last night taught me a lot. I understand them better. Beneath all their cursing and macho bluster, the deep wounds carved by the brutal loss of their mother have united them on a much more profound level. They fight often and yet their devotion to each other is ferocious and admirable.
For that, I almost envy them. My family’s tragedy only distanced me from my siblings.
Matthias seeks the grim shadows and never calls. I wouldn’t even know which state to find him in.
Angelo was always going to be difficult. But he’s worse than he might have been if only he’d received better guidance.
And Gabriel is adrift, caught in the violent wreck of our family legacy as our grandfather tries to cling to whatever power he has left.
I set the pen down and pick up the half empty mug beside my journal. The tea has cooled but the taste isn’t bad. I’m not really hungover but I slept in and awoke to pouring rain. True to his word, Julian had tea and cinnamon toast delivered to my room. I’ve had time to observe him, how he watches over everyone and misses nothing.
I’m not kidding myself. I know Julian doesn’t love me. I don’t love him either. When I think of being in love, I think of my parents and how my father still had the power to make my mother blush with one compliment, even after twenty-five years of marriage.
But I do like Julian very much, definitely more than I’ve ever liked anyone else. What’s more, my intense physical attraction to him threatens to rearrange my sanity.
I don’t even know how to categorize it. A crush. An infatuation.
