And I’d always be alone.
Because no one could love me as a woman while I clung to the silly hopes of a little girl.
12
BLAKE
THE NIGHT OF ADDIE’S ESCAPE, MAY 2018, AGE 19
“She’s okay now, Mom. We got her out of there and back to the apartment.”
I paced the living room as Adam sat on the couch, filling his parents in on everything that had just happened. He held the phone out in front of him, leaving it on speaker.
“Do we need to come there? We can be there in thirty minutes, Adam.”
“She said she wanted to rest tonight.”
“Yes, but?—”
The worry in Mrs. Barrow’s voice triggered the protective instinct in my chest. “I’m going to stay on the couch tonight, Mrs. B. If she needs anything, I’ll be right there, and I can wake up Adam or call you if she needs you to come here.”
She exhaled, her voice shaky as she murmured her acknowledgement before she sniffled and Mr. B filled in the rest.
“You’re a good kid, Blake. Thank you for being there for them tonight. We know we can always count on you.”
Pride filled my chest. “Of course, Mr. B. That’s what family does, right?”
“Yeah, kid. That’s what family does.”
When I sat beside him, Adam clapped me on the shoulder. “We won’t let him come near the apartment. If he does, I’ll?—”
Mrs. B interjected. “Call 911 and let the authorities handle it, Adam Nathaniel Barrow.”
Adam and I shared a look, her response easing some of the tension we’d carried all night.
“Yeah, Mom.” He laid the sincerity on thick. “That’s what I was going to say.”
“Mmhm.” I pictured her the way Addie often stared at us. Lips pursed, not buying our bullshit. “Blake, I’m trusting you to be the voice of reason tonight.”
“You have my word, Mrs. B.”
After we hung up with them, Adam yawned. He had an exam the next morning, so I told him to go to sleep. Even knowing he’d be dead to the world with his headphones on, there was no way I’d be sleeping that night. He hesitated, but finally went upstairs to bed.
I spent the next few hours warring with myself as I listened to Addie’s muffled cries.
Torn between barging into her room and giving her the space to process, I settled on pacing between her door and the couch, unable to enter and unable to sit. It didn’t feel right to leave her alone, but the last thing I wanted to do was push her away again.
Around one in the morning, she fell quiet. While I assumed she was asleep, I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes. I finally lay down on the couch, but after an hour of staring at the ceiling, I bolted upright, needing to check on her.
I gripped the arm rest, as if my hold on it could stop me from going in there. The only reason I stayed put this time was because I’d already ignored her request once tonight.
When Adam had gotten her call, and I’d heard her voice, the need to be with her surged. Even though she’d asked him to come alone, I’d been explicitly clear.
He could go by himself, but I’d show up either way.
And when she’d called again, I thought nothing could compare to that.
Then she screamed.
