I ended the call before the beep, unsure what to say that I hadn’t said in countless other messages, only to be met with silence.
“Maybe I should move out.”
I fixed my stare on Addie’s door, like I’d done countless times in the four months since she first left. Hot tears pricked my eyes.
“Addie shouldn’t have to leave to get away from me. I’ll go. I’m sure Coach can help me find a place.”
“I don’t think that would change anything.” Adam released another heavy sigh. “She knows we’re both here for her. That’s the important thing. But whatever she’s going through, she needs to sort it out and come to us when she’s ready.” When I shook my head, not wanting to accept that, Adam squeezed my shoulder. “That’s just how she is. You know that.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Yeah.”
Adam offered me a sad attempt at a smile, his jaw working furiously as he tried to navigate all this again. His two best friends at odds—it wasn’t easy for him.
“Look, we’ll just give her space. She might change her mind over summer.” He forced another smile. “You never know.”
But I did know.
Being there last night, helping her get away from Finn—it hadn’t been enough. Holding her through her nightmares hadn’t been enough. Nothing I did made a difference, because for reasons I couldn’t see, I never showed up for her the way she needed.
Even last night, I’d kissed her cheek right before I fell asleep, promising to keep her safe, assuring her I was there and I wasn’t going anywhere.
I’ve got you, kid.
But she didn’t seem to believe that I did.
With that final, depressing realization, I sank onto the couch.
When Adam wavered between joining me and going to his room, I put him out of his misery. “You don’t have to stay down here with me. It was a rough night, and I had that early meeting. I might take a nap or something.”
“How’d that go, anyway?”
I shrugged. “I’m starting QB next season.”
He perked up. “Hey, man, that’s great! Mom and Dad are going to lose it when you tell them.” He chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Addie, too. You know, she’ll be super proud of you. I am.”
“Thanks, brother.”
I tried to return his smile, but it felt as hollow as the news I’d just shared. It was strange. Since it had always been Adam and me first, sharing the news with him should’ve been enough.
But by the time I realized how much I wanted and needed her there, too, it was too late.
She wanted nothing to do with me.
And I had to live with that, hoping one day I’d get a chance to make it right.
Hoping one day I’d be enough to deserve her.
16
ADDIE
THREE DAYS LATER, MAY 2018, AGE 19
Tessa gave me three days to wallow before she forced me out of the guest bedroom and into the sunlight. According to her, staring at sunlight through the window of a darkened room didn’t count as getting vitamin D, which I needed.
When I responded that vitamin D had gotten me into this mess, the relief on her face at my deadpanned joke pulled me out of the armchair I’d made into a temporary home.
She was worried about me, and I couldn’t say I didn’t understand why.
