Hayes slips out of his boots and climbs into bed, putting Charlie between us. He lies on his side, lacing his fingers through mine and looking at Charlie. The love spilling from his expression has tears rolling down my cheeks.
I can’t seem to stop crying. The dam has been obliterated, and there’s no holding it back.
“I never thought I’d be a father.” He reaches up, brushing my tears away. “I figured if I ever was, I’d be terrible at it like mine was.”
I don’t know what compels him to admit that in the darkness, but it breaks my heart.
“You’re a wonderful father, Hayes.”
“I haven’t been here—for you or for her. You both deserve so much more than what I’ve given you.”
“You’ve done everything to protect us.”
“That’s not the same as being there.” He frowns.
He’s right, it’s not. But with us, it’s also not that simple.
“You aren’t gone because you want to be,” I tell him. “You’re gone because you need to be. Because that’s the only way we’re going to get through this, right?”
He nods.
“Then that’s all that matters.” I glance down at Charlie, who is fully awake now, watching us with her big green eyes.
I’m thankful that she has no idea what’s going on right now. That we can be here for her after all today brought on us.
“Why green?” I ask, blinking up at Hayes. “The night we met, you said green was your least favorite color.”
“For a long time it was.” His gaze drops to Charlie, and I can tell he doesn’t necessarily believe that anymore. “It reminded me of all the shit that went wrong. Of all the bad things.”
“You said your mother had green eyes?”
He nods. “When I was little, her eyes were so bright. So green. It’s funny because I can barely remember the shade of her strawberry-blonde hair, but I remember her eyes clear as day. She’d sing to me at night, and her eyes were so damn bright it was like they glowed. Until he changed all that.”
“Who?”
“My father.” He pulls his hand away from us, like the simple mention of his father has him shutting down. “He was a Twisted King back when shit was different around here—even more reckless. The guys really didn’t give a fuck back then. They did what they wanted and treated their old ladies like shit. Dad was always at the clubhouse,screwing around on my mom and barely there for us. He didn’t notice when she started drifting away. Or when she started drinking. Eventually, booze turned into harder shit. It’s like the more he cheated on her, the less she could stand being here. All the love in her just died—he killed it. He killed her.”
Hayes pauses, dragging his hand down his face.
“I’ll never forget her eyes when I walked into the living room. They were still open, so I thought she was watching me until I got closer and saw how pale her skin was. How her face was empty. Everything about her was duller—a different shade. Except her eyes. They were still green. She got a bad batch of whatever she was on at the time. My father killed her without so much as lifting a finger.”
“I’m so sorry.” I reach for his arm, and he surprises me by not pulling away.
If anything, he scoots closer, his finger grazing Charlie’s arm.
“I hated my eyes after that because they reminded me of her. I hated the color green. But now…” He glances down at Charlie, who has turned to nuzzle his arm. “I think it might be my favorite color again.”
He tickles Charlie’s cheek, and she smiles, drawing out one of his own. My heart clenches as he leans down to kiss her forehead.
I can’t love him.
I can’t.
But watching him with our daughter makes my heart feel too big for my chest.
He keeps a hand on Charlie, propping his head up with the other.
“So that’s why you weren’t close with your father?”
