Then his gaze returned to the spirits. “Pain, I understand. It is honest. I far prefer it to another temporary loss of my wits.”
Beatrice dabbed some vinegar directly on the wound.
He hissed, but did not pull away.
“I wanted to speak with you,” she said. “Before I left London, I mean.” She focused on the wound rather than his face. “I thought about it. Several times. But I did not know what I could possibly say.”
“I know.” His voice was rough.
“Do you?”
“Yes.” He watched her hands. “I was being somewhat bullheaded.”
“Only somewhat?”
“Extraordinarily?”
“Yes,” she agreed.
A faint smile touched his mouth, then faded.
“It was easier before I knew,” he said. “Watching from a distance. Telling myself you knew what you were doing. Telling myself I could step in if matters went sideways.”
His gaze lifted to hers.
“But then you told me you’d been attacked.” Gideon swallowed hard. “That a man had hurt you.”
Beatrice’s hand stilled.
“That changed things,” he said softly. “Not because I thought you weak. Never that. But because suddenly some vague, distant threat became all too real.”
Her chest tightened.
“And I was afraid,” he added. “More afraid than I knew what to do with.”
The admission settled between them.
She looked up. “And now…?”
For a moment, Gideon did not answer.
“I thought if I could find him,” he said at last, “if I could put a name and face to him, and then make him pay, perhaps that would quiet some of it.”
“Your fear?”
His mouth tightened. “That and my… anger.”
Beatrice thought back to how it had felt to have Hatherleigh pinned to the ground, how she had wanted him to hurt in return for the hurt he had caused. If he had instead gotten away… she could see how that anger might linger, spinning helplessly, without direction.
“But you can’t find him. There isn’t enough information…”
“No.” He shook his head once. “A wolf’s mask. A scent. I have chased names in circles and the damn list just keeps growing.” His voice roughened. “So I’ve failed there.”
Something in her softened despite herself.
“At first,” she said carefully, “I wished him dead.”
Gideon went still.
