“I…” The world stops spinning.
“How long… How long have you not told me?”
My exhale’s shaky, my pulse’s running a mile a minute as I just stare at him. And I can’t find a single word to say.
“Like, before this trip?” he asks, searching my eyes.
I open and close my mouth, and drop my gaze.
“Before we started this thing?” he tries, shifting on his feet, and I can’t look at him. “Before COVID? How long, Seth?”
I lift my gaze to his, and whatever he sees in my eyes makes him slowly close his and shake his head.
“I don’t—”
He huffs a breath, taking a step back. “You told me that we were gonna be honest. I said I wanted straight up honesty between you and me, and now you’re—” He licks his lips, shaking his head, and turns his side to me. “You know I don’t trust people. You know how hard it is for me to trustanyone.” He shakes his head again. “And now you’re telling me that you’ve been lying to me for, how long?” He turns back around, locking his eyes with mine.
“Kade—”
“How long, Seth?” he asks, head pushed forward. “How long have you been lying to me? How long has the only person I trusted with my fucking life been lying to my face?”
I flinch. “I wasn’t—Kade, I—What was I supposed to do?” I throw my arms out, shaking my head.
“You were supposed to be honest with me. Like you fucking promised!” He turns around, pulling his beanie off and rakes his fingers through his hair, before he turns back again. “So, what was all of this? You thought getting me into bed was gonna—”
“What?” I exhale. “You think I tricked you into having sex with me? That I used sex to get you—”
“Did you?”
“You came on to me!” I snap. “It was your idea, Kade. All of it, from the beginning.”
“So why the fuck didn’t you say no?” He raises his voice. “When I asked you to be honest with me, when I told you that our friendship means more to me than fucking anything!” He takes a step towards me. “Why didn’t you say no?”
“Because I wanted you!” I yell back. “I’ve been wanting you for so fucking long, and then finally, you wanted me back.” My voice cracks a little, and my vision turns blurry. “And I took whatever I could get. I would’ve given you anything you wanted.”
“I wanted honesty!”
“I’ve been honest, I just—”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” He takes another step forward. “You call that honesty? I asked you, Seth, point fucking blank, if you wanted out, and you said no. I asked you if you thought that you and me could survive this, and you told me yes. I asked you so many times if there wasanyreason you thought we should end it, and you looked me in the eye and said no. You. Fucking. Lied.”
I barely see him through my watery eyes. My nose is burning and I try to swallow around the lump in my throat.
I blink once. His chest is heaving and he stares at me, eyebrows low and eyes glassy. I’ve never seen him like this.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt you—”
“Then what were you trying to do by lying to me?”
“Fucking survive, Kaden!” My voice breaks and I throw my arms out before pulling my gloves off and wiping my cheeks. “I was trying to survive. I didn’t lie about it to hurt you.”
He just stares at me, pain written all over his face and I hate myself for that. I drop my gaze to the ground, my hands shaking, and every breath I take feels like fire in my lungs.
“I know I should’ve told you. I know I should’ve said no, and that I should’ve stopped it. I know. But—”
“Then why didn’t you?” he says, shaking his head.
“’Cause I didn’t want to lose you! If I’d told you how I felt, you really expect me to believe that you and I would’ve been the same? I didn’t wanna lose you.”
