He shakes his head, crossing his arms. “When did you know that you were in love with me?”
“Kade—”
He slams a hand down on the counter. “When did you—”
“I don’t know!” I snap, throwing my arms out. “Okay? I don’t know exactly when. I had a crush on you forever, but it was like… It came in waves. And I tried to reel it in, but I couldn’t and then you kissed me—”
“So, that’s when you knew?” he says, nodding and licks his lips. “The first time I kissed you?”
I sigh, dropping my shoulders and lean back against the counter. “I don’t know, Kaden.” I shake my head. I knew this was coming. I know this needs to be hashed out. I have to own up to my lies and—
“Bullshit!”
I snap my head up. “What?”
“That’s bullshit!”
I shake my head, frowning. “What do you—”
“You mean to tell me that it didn’t almost take you the fuck out? You mean to tell me that realizing that you’re in love with your best friend didn’t fuck your head all up? That it didn’t wakeyou up in the middle of the night,ifyou even could get any sleep to begin with? That it didn’t make you question everything?”
I just stare at him where he stands, chest heaving like he’s run a marathon and eyes wide.
“I haven’t slept for days,” he says, words coming out at rocket speed. “I’ve barely eaten. I’m a fucking mess, Seth. I’ve spent the last six days in your fucking apartment, waiting for you to come back, because you wouldn’t pick up your fucking phone so that I could tell you that I—” He stops himself, shakes his head and then drops his gaze to the floor. “You just fucking left me there and then you turned your phone off.”
“I’m sorry.”
Kaden shakes his head, turning around as he rakes his fingers through his hair. Grunting, he takes a breath before he turns back around to look at me.
“Look,” he says, and I shift on my feet. “I’m gonna say a bunch of stuff now, but I’ve been in my head all week so…” He waves at his head. “Just listen. Okay?”
“Okay.” This is it. The final goodbye.Fucking fuck!
“I got scared. When you told me. I got scared ‘cause I felt like… I felt like I was losing you. And then I felt so fucking stupid ‘cause I should’ve known, you know? You’re my person, I should’ve known.” He nods, biting the inside of his cheek. “I didn’t know, okay?”
“I know.” I nod. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you—”
“No, I mean…” He drags his hands down his face; his breathing quickens as he talks. “Fuck! You’re my best friend, and I didn’t know. But then I did, and I always talk to you, but you weren’t here and I… I need you. I’m a fucking mess without you.” He throws his arms out. “You can’t just leave me, ‘cause… ‘Cause you’re mine, and I fucking need you.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again because it’s the only thing I can think of. “I’m sorry I left, and—”
“It’s fine. I mean, it’s not but it is.” He squints his eyes, biting his bottom lip.
Then we just look at each other for a beat, and I clear my throat.
“So…” I swallow. Afraid I’ve got it all wrong because I can’t make sense of what he’s saying. “Does that mean you still wanna be friends?”
“Wha—” He looks a little taken aback as he shifts on his feet, narrowing his eyes. “Is that what you want?”
“Yeah. Of course. But…” I look down at my feet because how am I supposed to stand here, look him in the eye and tell him that we’ll probably never go back to just being friends again because I can’t let him go? That I’ll always love him?
I take deep breath, bracing myself. “I’m still in love with you, Kaden. I don’t think I can be friends with you right now.”
And the silence that follows—like I’ve let him down again—it fucking hurts. And it stretches until I can’t stand it anymore. It’s probably just a few seconds but it feels like forever, so I turn to look at him again, opening my mouth to say something—anything—but he beats me to it.
“Seth,” he says, frowning. He shifts on his feet and scoffs. “Are you not listening to me?”
“What?”
