“It has nothing to do with you being young and stupid. That was just you talking. The real you, Seth. You seem to forget that I’ve known you your whole life. Iknowyou, Seth. I was there in high school, when you were treated like fucking shit. And I was there when you started to change. When you tried to lose everything that makes you, you.”
“You—”
“No, not in person, but I was there. And you can lie to yourself all you want about how you’re not that guy anymore. That you’re not soft, or fem, or whatever the hell your problem is with just being you, but Iknowyou, Seth. And this—this Kaden stuff? I’m scared it’ll blow up in your face so hard, you’ll lose yourself completely.” Her voice breaks and she wipes her cheeks.
My mouth’s resting against my clenched fist, and my vision’s blurry as I stare at the floor. There’s that burning feeling in my nose, a lump in my throat I can’t swallow. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I hate this. I hate it.
“This isn’t right, Seth. You need to end it, for both of your sakes. You deserve more. You both do.”
My leg bouncing up and down as I think it over.
“Yeah, okay,” I whisper eventually, wiping my nose. Nodding, I clear my throat. “You’re right. I’ll end it.” Because he deserves more.
I’m lying on my couch under a blanket when Kaden walks in.
“Hey, Sunshine,” he says, leaning in the doorway. “What’s wrong?”
I shrug. “Just having a bad day.”
I called the studio this morning after my call with Lou, telling them I needed a personal day. I both hate and love that Lou knows me to the bone. She knows everything. She knows what I’m doing and why, and there’s no hiding from her. And the truth fucking hurts.
I’ve spent all day on my couch, hugging a pillow, thinking everything over. Turning it over in my head so many times, I got dizzy. Trying to find a way to keep everything as it is, without risking something. Trying to find a way to go back, without losing something.
There is no way. No right answer. It’s impossible however I twist and turn it.
And that is my life. There’s never a right answer to anything. Whatever I do, no matter how much I try, it’s always wrong.
“Is this about Lou?” he asks. “You miss her?”
“Yeah,” I lie, but also not, because if Lou had been here, maybe she could’ve stopped this madness before it got to this. And I feel like an asshole because Kaden doesn’t know the real reason and usually when I’m like this, it has to do with Lou and me missing her.
“You wanna call her? Maybe you can watch a movie together?”
I shake my head. No, I’ve heard enough of what she has to say for today. He walks over, drops down beside me and shoves me over in the process.
“So, there’s this guy I know,” he says, turning to lie on his side, facing me. “Pretty decent, you know? But he’s a stubborn asshole and he wouldn’t want anyone to know this, but he loves cuddling.”
I snort. “I don’t love cuddling.”
“Wanna know how I know?” he says, ignoring me.
I raise my brows.
“’Cause no one who hates cuddling is that good at it. And he’s really good. And—” he says, placing his hand in my hair, raking his fingers through it. “—he taught me this, and it helped me, so maybe it can help you, too.”
“Kade—”
“Shh… You just have to go with it,” he whispers. “That’s what I do. I just go with it.” He licks his lips and smiles. Breaking my heart in the process. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath.
“I know I’m not Lou,” he mumbles. “And I can never take her place. But I can be here for you, too, Seth. We’re friends, too.”
I don’t want to be his fucking friend. I want more.
I turn my face towards his chest, trying to stop the fucking waterworks. I give myself a few minutes before I turn my head up again, looking at him.
And I know I should end this. I know I should. It’s the only right thing to do, right?
But instead, I kiss him. Because Iamselfish. And maybe that’s the part about myself I hate the most.
