Mom,
I miss you more than you could ever know. The world isn’t the same without you in it. Though, being in Scotland, it feels like a piece of you is always with me. Birdie and I are getting closer. I’m trying new things. I’m not working the whole trip and I’ve found the magic of the Highlands, but I’m sure you know that from wherever you are. I’m not sure what else to say, just that there isn’t a world where I ever had enough time with you, but I’m working hard on making my life one you’d be proud of.
I love you and miss you.
Maisie
When I glance over at Birdie, I realize we’re both sobbing disasters. I do my best to get myself together, tucking the postcard in my purse.
“You ready?” I ask her, and she nods her head, clutching the ashes to her chest. “This is what she wanted, Birdie.”
“I know,” Birdie says, sounding like she might cry all over again.
Mom didn’t want a tombstone that felt like an obligation to visit. She also wasn’t keen on being buried in the ground, either. Her final wishes were clear; she wanted her final resting place to be Scotland.
I wrap my arm around my sister and squeeze. We’ve already said goodbye to Mom in so many ways, but somehow this feels final.
Not closure.
There’s never closure when someone you love dies, more like the end of a chapter. You still feel the lingering effects of everything you read before, but as you get further and further into the book, the pain isn’t as sharp.
“I’m glad she had us come here,” I say to Birdie, who’s still clutching the bag.
“Me too,” she sniffs. “Fuck, this is so much harder than I thought.”
Part of me wants to do this for both of us, and I realize that’s not what I need to do. “You’re strong, Birdie. Mom always knew that. We’ll do it together.”
We already poured our hearts out into our postcards and honestly I don’t think I’d get through the words out loud; I’d probably be an even bigger sobbing mess.
Instead, we flip the bag, watching as the wind catches on the ashes, blowing them into the calm, beautiful water of the Oban Bay.
Birdie and I stand there for a long time, holding each other, quietly crying, just staring out at the view. Knowing that my mom will rest here forever, in a place she loved, in the most beautiful place I’d ever been; it gives me a deep sense of acceptance.
I’m not religious. I don’t know if I believe in a God or Heaven and Hell, but I believe Mom is with me always. Not in a spiritual way, but in a way that the most important people in your life always leave a mark and it trickles down from generation to generation. She lives on because me and Birdie are still here and we’ll carry her with us always.
Birdie turns and we embrace each other in a hug that’s so tight, so full of our pain and grief, and yet so soothing.
When a mix of a laugh and a sniffle falls out of me, Birdie pulls back.
“What?” she questions, blinking at me.
“It’s just Mom would have loved to see us hug like that,” I say.
This has Birdie wiping under her eyes and laughing slightly too.
“Can we stay a little longer?” Birdie asks and I give her a quick nod as we sit on the bench, staring at the bay, both of us silently coming to terms with this new chapter of our lives.
25
callum
“So much aboutseeing about a coo. Why are we really here, Graham?” I ask as the bartender brings us each another pint. There was no coo in Oban that he needed to rescue, it was all a damn ruse so that Birdie and Maisie wouldn’t come here on their own.
I might be slightly on the verge of being pissed, but I can’t deny that I had a good time with my brother today.
“Because I’m in love with her and I wasn’t letting her travel this way all alone,” he says, not a hint of delusion on his face.
“You can’t love her.”
