I squeeze my eyes shut and blink back a sudden onset of tears, my embarrassment turning to conflicting shame. He’s right. Damn the man to the pits of hell and back.He’s the only daddy they’ve ever known in their few short weeks on earth, a role he’s been waiting for all his life.
For the second time in an hour, I capitulate without a single word.
Connor doesn’t gloat. Doesn’t rub it in. He simply lifts Eli to his face and breathes him in. “Hey, Elijah. Daddy loves you. You know that? Love you so much.”
His words hit me dead in the heart, and I move with Ana to a blanket on the floor so I can gain a bit of reprieve from the elephant in the room. That doesn’t work, though, because the elephant—and Toto—plops down beside me and refuses to move. Grazes my hand under the guise of reaching for a toy. Rests an arm around my shoulder to peer down at my darling daughter. Each “accidental” touch both melting my heart and sending unwanted tension to all the wrong places.
The tension lasts between us until the babies’ bedtime, never fading away. Still refusing to speak, I move to the dresser and grab things for their nighttime routine. Diapers and wipes, baby lotion, pajamas, and swaddling blankets. As if he’d been doing this for years and not just a few weeks, Connor expertly gets Eli ready for bed, giving my tiny son a gentle fist bump when a fart breaks free during the diaper change.
My mouth twists with a hidden smile as I pretend not to have seen or heard that little exchange. I’m still mad at him, damnit. Picking Ana up, I dim the bedroom lights and turn on the sound machine so I can rock her to sleep.
When I turn around, I see a problem. A big one. One that’s over six feet tall and about two hundred fifty pounds of pure muscle. And he’s sitting in the glider that we use to rock the babies to sleep, patting the empty spot beside him.
No. No way. I’ve had enough of the innocent touches. Standing off in the corner by the bed, I softly bounce the sleepy little girl in my arms and try to ignore the deep voice crooning a made-up lullaby behind me.
“Sleep, my baby, and close those eyes
Daddy stands watch o’er the cloudy, gray skies.
Guarding your dreams, hushing your cries
Keeping you safe until the sunrise.”
Cloudy, gray skies. Is this a subtle jab at the color of my eyes or my temper? With every refrain of his impromptu lullaby, anger grabs my shoulders and draws them inwards. Ana cries out, breaking through my simmering fury. “Mommy’s so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to bounce you so hard.”
At the sound of my voice, the singing stops mid-sentence.
I wasn’t talking to you.
I close my eyes and focus on Ana again, humming a broken lullaby myself through a tight jaw as I rub her binky over her lips to get her to latch on. It’s not working, though. I’m too stressed, and she can feel it. I’m freaking caught between wanting to slap the shit out of Connor for being so good with the babies and wanting to throw him down and ride him until I get the orgasms I’ve been deprived of for the past weeks.
Ana’s muffled cry morphs into a wail.Oh, no. I pace back and forth, shushing her, but her tiny nose scrunches up right before her little rosebud lips open in a gummy scream. “Shh!” I beg, throwing away my petty vow of silence. “Mommy’s got you, baby.”
Frustrated tears slowly scald my cheeks as her screaming continues. Helpless. That’s what I am right now.I’m a terrible mother who can’t even soothe her own daughter. Worthless. A sob collects in my chest and settles in my throat, ready to eject itself at any moment.
Heat forms at my back, then heavy hands fall on my waist. Through a sheen of tears, I let him gently guide me to the bed where he urges me to lay my unhappy baby down. Now that she’s out of my arms, I can see that her swaddling blanket has come undone.
All my fault. I can’t even do this right. The sob in my throat comes out as a hiccup.
“Shhhh. Easy now.” Connor’s arms come around me, holding me captive in his embrace as he adjusts Ana’s blanket. “We wrap her like this, and then like this.” Her warm weight is placed to my breast, and I hold onto her like a lifeline, even though her cries are piercing my heart. Connor pulls me back into his chest as he hugs the two of us from behind and presses kisses to my temple. “And then we hold her tight and let her know that everything’s okay. That it’s safe for her to cry it out in our arms. That we’ll never let her go.”
He sways back and forth, forcing my body to follow. With every soothing word he utters, Ana’s cries lessen more and more while my tears continue to silently flow. And when she finally takes her pacifier and falls asleep, I don’t fight him as he takes her and gently places her in her bassinet.
I don’t fight him when he changes me into my nightshirt and puts me in bed.
I don’t even fight him when he undresses down to his boxer briefs and climbs in beside me. His heart beats a steady lullaby of betrayal in my ear as he kisses my tears away and whispers in a raw voice, “I love you, Rosanna. I’ll always love you.”
And in the arms of my captor, I fall asleep.
Chapter twenty-four
Connor
Myhopesthateverythingis back to normal between us are dashed to pieces the next morning. In the light of day, it seems my kitten wants nothing to do with me, though her body has no qualms with clinging to me in the night.
Even now, she turns her back to me as Eli hungrily feeds at her breast. I bury a sigh and look down to my little princess as she drinks her bottle and holds tightly to my pinky finger. It’s not just a finger that her little fist wraps around. No, it’s a fucking piece of my heart. I’m not giving any of this up. Not my wife, and not my kids. I’ve spent too many years alone, and now that I’ve had a blissful taste of marriage and babies, I refuse to go back to the way life used to be.
We’ll work through this. We have to. I can’t blame her too much for the way she’s acting because I know her system’s still trying to get back to normal after carrying and giving birth to two babies. And with her lack of sleep due to the precious little bundles of joy, she’s not processing things like she usually would.
