The way Ishu was looking at me … the question she asked …
I lie back in bed and stare up at the beige ceiling, wishing that feelings and relationships made any kind of sense. But of course they don’t. That would be too easy.
Under normal circumstances, this is the kind of thing that Amma would be able to help me with. She always gives the best advice about everything. It’s like she’s already experienced everything I’ve experienced, so I can avoid making the exact same mistakes as her with her stellar advice. But I’m pretty sure Amma has never fake dated a girl and then discovered that actually, she might be developing real feelings for her. And—because the whole thing is a big fat lie—I can’t tell Amma about it anyway. She’ll tell me to come clean to everyone about everything. We can’t do that. Not now that my friends actually like Ishu, and might be getting on board with who I am. And Ishu is on track to become Head Girl.
Still, there’s comfort in just knowing that Amma is there if I need her. Yes, she’ll make me come clean, but she’ll probably at least let me cry on her shoulder first.
So, after grabbing breakfast, I peek into Amma’s room. She’s at her desk, typing away on her laptop.
“Amma? You busy?”
She looks up and flashes me a smile. “Not really. What’s up? Did you eat breakfast?”
“Yeah, I just ate,” I say. “Where’s Abba?”
“He has some meetings today,” she says. “Won’t be home all day.”
“He’s been really busy lately, huh?”
She just shrugs, like she’s used to it. Ever since he started running in the county council elections, it’s been pretty difficult to get ahold of him. The only time I see him is when I’m helping him out with something, because he’s always in different meetings. Even when he is home, he’s hard to talk to because he’s answering emails or on the phone. I don’t know how Amma deals with it, when it even annoys me sometimes.
“Do you want to watch a movie together today?” I ask. “You can pick the movie … I won’t even complain if it’s a Bollywood one.”
Amma studies me for a moment. “Everything okay? How was your date last night?”
“It was fine. It was … nice,” I say. “It started raining at the end of the night and I got soaked and now I feel a little sickly, so … I just want to watch a movie with my Amma now.”
She doesn’t look convinced. Still, she nods. “Okay … but it will definitely be a Bollywood movie. What’s new on Netflix?”
“I can check!” I’m already pulling out my phone.
“I can make lunch … your favorite: akhni.” She closes her laptop and stands up, ready to go to the kitchen.
“Amma, if you start making akhni, how will we watch the movie?”
“After the akhni,” she says, like it’s obvious. “It won’t take a long time.”
“Akhni takes a long time,” I insist. “How about we just order biryani from Suraj Uncle’s restaurant?”
“It’s not the same as akhni,” Amma says. Akhni is Sylheti biryani, which is why everyone in my family thinks it’s the superior form of biryani.
“I know, but it’s biryani, and you won’t have to spend the day in the kitchen,” I say. “We can have akhni another time. For my birthday, or something.”
Amma hates getting takeout when she can cook a better meal for cheaper at home, but she concedes.
An hour later, it’s just Amma and me, our plates full of really good biryani—which is not as great as akhni—and Sonam Kapoor and Fawad Khan inKhoobsurat.For a little while, at least, I manage to pretend that my problems don’t exist.
chapter twenty-six
ishu
HANI DOESN’T ANSWER MY PHONE CALLS OR REPLY TOany of my messages Saturday night and just sends me a thumbs up emoji on Sunday morning. I’m pretty sure I’ve royally screwed everything up with my ridiculous feelings. Now Hani doesn’t even want to talk to me. This was one of the things I predicted would happen if I confessed any of my feelings, except it’s worse because I haven’t even confessed anything—not really. I’ve just scared her off.
I try to ignore the gnawing feeling of hurt and betrayal in my stomach, but I barely get any sleep on Saturday night. Hani didn’t even message to let me know that she got home okay. I keep opening our guide, because it feels like a history of us. Hani always updates it with all of the pictures she takes, and until yesterday she was filling up the latest pages with information I should know about Aisling and Deirdre. But since our triple date Hani hasn’t added anything. That makes me feel even worse.
I throw myself into my studies on Sunday since I spent Saturday dawdling around, doing basically nothing productive. Because I’m sure that Aisling and Deirdre will not be my friends if Hani isn’t even talking to me.
I have to keep control of what I can control: my results and my future. Whether that contains becoming Head Girl or not. We have another biology test on Monday and I’m determined to get as close to a perfect result as I can get.
