‘My teammates would be celebrated on the field, while there would be jeers about me. I watched so many of my teammates become hot commodities within women’s football; they would move up in the world quickly, being traded between teams as they improved. But it felt that no matter how wellIdid, nobody seemed to see me as worthy. The more opportunities they got, the more I was passed over for. Maybe if it was just the press, or the crowds, or the ignorant teammates, I could have taken it. But it was everything all together, and at some point I realised that it always would be. It felt like I was fighting an uphill battle since I started, and every time I improved, every time I scored a winning goal, or helped us win a championship, I thoughtsurelythey’ll see me now for who I am, for what I can bring to this team, to women’s football. But … it was as if the goalposts were always being moved. And, eventually, I realised that it would always be that way. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep fighting. I wasn’t sure if I had it in me.’
I’ve avoided everything to do with Maya for the past nine years, so it’s not a surprise that I missed so much of this. And, clearly, it has affected her in ways that I can only ever imagine.
But there’s still a part of me starkly aware of the fact thatMaya and I are in different positions at this fundraiser. She’s giving a speech, while I’m dressed in a server’s uniform. Maybe neither of us quite belongs, but it’s in drastically different ways. I can’t help the thread of envy still burrowed inside me.
As Maya finishes up her speech, there’s stunned silence in the room for a moment, before the place breaks up into thunderous applause. She’s spoken well, I’m not surprised that the people here connected with it. Maybe now, Maya will finally feel understood. She breaks out into a smile on stage too, but I can’t look at her anymore.
I duck through the crowd, and back into the kitchens. The event will come to a close soon, so most of the trays have already been circulated. Staff are busy washing up and reorganising.
I think for a moment about finding Jana and making up an excuse to leave. I could feign sickness, and with the event so close to being over, maybe she won’t even be too angry about it. But I discard that thought as soon as it comes. This isn’t the fundraiser for women’s football; it’s just a kitchen and this is just a job.
I roll up my sleeves, and get busy.
Chapter 20
Maya
It’s a strange feeling going from keeping all of my feelings bottled up inside of me for the past few years to suddenly being pressed for more by everyone. The few reporters at the event are eager to score exclusive interviews about the real reason that I quit the Vikings, and I’m torn over allowing them to share my story after everything they’ve been writing about me. The most surprising thing is when Erica Hadley strolls up to me, handing me her card as if I don’t know exactly who she is.
‘I’d love to interview you onThe Warm Up,’ she says. ‘Give me a call sometime.’
I take the card from her hand, at a loss for what to say. I half want to challenge her for all the stories she’s run on me over the past few months – the ones that had never held back on besmirching me and spreading unfounded rumours about my ‘attitude’. But Erica disappears back into the crowd before I’ve mustered the courage to say anything.
Taking a deep breath, I look around the room, trying to spot Dina. I lost sight of her sometime during my speech, and even now she’s nowhere to be found. There’s a hollowness in my chest at the thought of her being gone.
‘You were amazing, Maya!’ Nina says, appearing over my shoulder. She’s beaming from ear to ear. ‘I knew thatthings were difficult for you, but I hadnoidea. I just know that everything you said will stay in people’s minds for a long time. I know it’s definitely made me re-evaluate a lot of things.’
‘Thanks, Nina. And thank you for letting me speak here. After I retired, I … kind of felt like I had to say goodbye to football in every way. I thought maybe there was no place for me in a space like this.’
Nina’s eyes widen. ‘Maya … there will always be space for you here. I think you’re exactly the kind of voice that we’ve been missing in football. You’re an amazing player, and it’s our loss that you’ve retired. That you felt like you had to.’
The genuineness in Nina’s voice tugs at my heart, makes tears pinprick on the edges of my eyes. I blink to keep the tears from falling, because that doesn’t seem like a great way to end the night. I doubt that Nina wants to be comforting a tearful ex-football player either.
‘That means a lot,’ I say instead, meaning it with my whole heart.
Nina pulls me into a hug and soon we’re saying our goodbyes. But just as I’m about to turn and leave, I pause, calling out to Nina one last time.
‘The caterers. Have they already left?’
Nina’s eyebrows shoot up, like that was a question she wasn’t expecting. ‘I’m not sure. They might still be in the kitchens. Why?’
‘I just … I ran into that server earlier and I feel bad. I wanted to, um, apologise,’ I say.
Nina smiles. ‘If only the press could see you now, huh?’
‘I’m sure they’d find a way to turn it around on me.’
Nina lets out a small laugh. ‘They are very good at that.’She points me towards the double doors leading into the kitchen, before waving goodbye.
I hesitate in front of the doors. I can hear sounds coming from inside: talking and laughing, the clatter of plates and glasses and cutlery. If Dina is in here, would she really want to see me now? But after what she’s done for me, it doesn’t feel right to leave without saying anything either. Especially since she disappeared in the middle of my speech.
Hesitantly, I push the door open. Compared to the quiet of the events hall now, the kitchens are utter chaos. There are servers everywhere; people rushing to and fro. I almost get knocked down by someone carrying a stack of dirty dishes as soon as I enter, only managing to swerve to avoid collision at the last second.
‘You’re not supposed to be back here,’ a woman says from beside me. She’s carrying a clipboard and pins me with a small frown. ‘The exit is on the other side. The double doors there.’
She must really think I’m a dolt who can’t tell the kitchen from the exit.
‘Sorry … I was looking for one of your servers,’ I say. ‘She, um, she was really great. I just wanted to pass on my thanks.’
