Maya’s gaze snaps to me as I approach her. There’s something behind her eyes that I can’t quite read.
‘That was a good game,’ I say, the words a little harder to get out than I thought they would be. ‘Your team played really well.’ I hold out my hand for Maya to shake.
She looks down at it, inspecting it like there might be something poisonous in my hands. She looks up at me again, studying my expression, before reaching her hand forward.
The touch of her warm skin makes a shiver run through me.
‘Thanks.’ Maya’s voice is barely a whisper. She clears her throat and says a little more loudly now, ‘Your team did a really good job as well. They’re good players.’
‘Thanks, and seriously, congrats.’ I withdraw my hands from hers, already missing her touch. There’s more I wantto say to her – more I should say to her – but the words feel trapped inside my throat.
‘Dina, I know that things have been—’
‘It’s OK.’ I cut Maya off before she can start delving into it. This is supposed to be Maya’s moment – her win. All around her, her team is celebrating, while Maya is here with me, feeling like we still need to hash out the past. Maybe this is what Maya has been feeling like for a long time, for the past nine years. We’ve been holding each other back, and I don’t want to do that anymore. We both deserve better than that. ‘We don’t have to talk about any of that. We were both … It doesn’t matter.’
‘Really?’ Maya seems surprised, and I can’t exactly blame her. The last time I lost out on something, I broke up with her and gave up on football. This was definitely a far less dramatic reaction.
‘Yeah. You should go and celebrate with your team.’
‘Oh … yeah, I probably should.’ She glances behind her at the team for a moment, like she’d forgotten that they were even there, before turning back to me. I wouldn’t blame her if she held the past over me, but there’s some part of me that aches for her to forgive and forget. That wants us to move on and go back to what we were. But I know that I’ve probably broken that too badly to even repair it. ‘I’ll see you around, I guess.’
‘See you.’
Then we’re both turning around, going our separate ways. And even though I feel my heart constrict at the idea of the match being over, about the fact that I have no reason to see Maya again, I keep going, and the distance between us grows with every step.
Chapter 33
Maya
Two weeks later
The lights around me prickle my skin, making me flushed. Beside me, Erica Hadley and Karl Griffin shift in their seats, engaged in a whispered conversation. Finally, Erica turns to me with a reassuring smile.
‘This will be great, Maya. Don’t worry.’
‘I’m not worried,’ I say, although I clearly am. If I wasn’t nervous about being interviewed on live TV, I would be nervous about finally getting the chance to say my piece. But I’m doing both at once, so my anxiety is through the roof.
Before I know it, the cameras are on us and we’re live.
‘We’re so excited to welcome Maya Alam toThe Warm Up. I know all of you have heard the speculation about Maya in the news cycle over the past few months, and we’re lucky to have her here with us today, finally ready to share her side of the story,’ Erica says, turning her thousand-megawatt smile on me.
‘Thanks for having me, Erica and Karl,’ I say as graciously as I can, picking at the skin around my fingers where the camera can’t see it.
‘So, Maya. You were having the kind of career that footballers can only dream of. The Vikings were on therise, winning matches, winning championships. And then suddenly, it all came to a halt because you decided to retire. Why did you do it?’ Karl asks.
I take a deep breath. I’ve practised what I planned to say, gone over it again and again with Isabel on video calls. If I’m going to tell the world my side of the story, I can’t mess it up.
‘Honestly? For my own mental health.’
Karl nods, his eyebrows drawn together.
‘A lot of people don’t understand how much pressure it can be. I mean, foranyone. You have a pretty brutal schedule, you never see your family and friends, so your entire world becomes football. But there was a lot more on top of that for me. I felt like the more attention I received, the more vitriol there was. I would score a winning goal, but the story would be rumours about how I was a bitch behind the scenes.’
I take a deep breath and look at the camera instead of at Karl and Erica. I might be doing an interview with them, but it’s really the people watching who need to hear this. Who need to understand.
‘There are very few women of colour in football. Even fewer South Asian women. And Bangladeshis? Practically unheard of. When I was facing all of this, I didn’t even have anyone that I could speak to about any of it. Nobody who would truly understand or sympathise. My coaches and teammates told me that everything would blow over, that it was just part of football and I had to learn to deal with it. But the thing was, they were dealing with so much less. On top of that, they were getting opportunities left, right and centre. A couple of my teammates went on to play in world cups for their country, or they transferred to different teamsbecause they were wanted by them. The English football team didn’t want me, the clubs here didn’t care about me. I was passed over continuously, no matter how well I played, how many championships I helped win. It just felt like I could never succeed.’
Karl and Erica nod sympathetically.
