My chest feels heavy, but again I’m struggling to say how I feel. In truth, I don’t want to tell Kira all my concerns. Leaving Mum, committing to the future, feeling afraid that this marks the beginning of the end of everything I know: in my head it sounds too silly to say out loud. I can see a future where Kira meets a bunch of new, smart, exciting people at whatever prestigious university she gets into, and leaves me behind. Filling in the UCAS form itself feels like stepping off the edge and into the unknown, and I’m too scared to begin.
Instead I say, ‘No, I do want to go to university. I like English and want to study it further. And I want the experience of university. I just need some time.’ And it’s true. I want to try it out and see what it’s like. I am excited by the prospect of meeting new people. I just want to hold on to the present for a bit longer. Is that so bad?
‘I’m still thinking about it too,’ says Faye, touching my arm. ‘If it makes you feel better.’
‘See, that’s two out of three of us,’ I say to Kira. ‘You’re one extreme, you got to remember.’
‘Fine, fine,’ grumbles Kira. She looks at her phone. ‘Hey, have you seen this?’
‘What?’ we say.
‘They’re looking for contributors toThe Common Roomfor this year,’ she says, reading the email on her phone.
‘Oh, I thought it was going to be Rose Conrad-related news,’ I say. ‘Yeah, Tori and Ms Harkness mentioned it in English.’
‘You should do it,’ says Kira.
‘Do what?’
‘Write forThe Common Room,’ she says.
‘I can’t write forThe Common Room,’ I scoff. ‘What would I even write about?’
‘Oh my God, yes,’ says Faye, grabbing my arm. ‘Your Selena Says are basically breaking news.’
‘You think I should send my Selena Says toThe Common Room?’ I say, incredulously. ‘They’re three lines long. It’s not exactly journalism.’
‘Journalism looks different in this day and age,’ says Kira, excitedly. ‘You manage to convey a strong opinion in a few lines – I would say that’s a talent. Also, I bet it would spark talk.’
‘Nobody would publish it. Tori definitely wouldn’t. She’d probably see my name, three lines of text and ignore it.’
‘But if you want to do something English-related at uni, this will look so good on your application,’ says Kira. ‘And you could take the idea of Selena Says and make it into a different format. How will you know if you don’t try?’
‘Trust me,’ I say, crossing my arms. ‘I know there’s no point here. I have a better chance of getting a hundred Rose Conrad tickets right now than getting published inThe Common Room.’
Eleven
Wildfire eyes
Pulling me deeper inside
Ashes and embers
Keep me alight
‘Wildfire Eyes’ fromRoses
I arrive home after a long day of persuading everyone I possibly can to register for an access code. I called in every favour I could, which is saying quite a lot after being at the same school for the last seven years.
Selena Says: FACT: There is no better place to gather IOUs than in an all-girls’ school. From forgotten homework to forgotten tampons, you can rely on someone owing you something at some point. Better yet, if you have a secret you’re holding on to, is it blackmail or friendly fire?
Kira who messages back, ‘Send this as a long-form article forTCR!’
I ignore her.
Ollie messages me confirming he’s signed up for the accesscode, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I’m desperate to FaceTime him, to see his face, to talk to him, but he says he needs some time to get used to his new schedule first. I don’t take it personally: Ollie is a big fan of routine, and not having one is probably stressing him out.
It’s unseasonably warm for September, I definitely didn’t need to wear a jacket today. And after all that hard work corralling people, I need a break. So I head out to the garden with my phone and a book.
