‘Did not understand the reference, but beside the point,’ I say,looking out of the window and not at him. I take a deep breath. ‘And if you want me to tell you how I really feel, I’ll tell you. I still like you. I like you more than I ever cared to admit, well, because you’re annoying. But I think that’s why I like you. I can be myself around you. You’re the person who picks me up when I’m down, cheers me on when I need it. And I’m not going to change my mind. This is more real to me than anything else. I’ve been fighting it, and it’s still so real to me.’ I pause and wait.
Ty’s face is blank, and I feel a rush of rejection. This is so much worse than what happened with Ollie.
‘I should go,’ I say, standing up.
‘No,’ says Ty, also standing up. ‘Sorry, I’m . . . I’m also confused.’
‘That’s becoming clear,’ I say.
Ty smacks his hands onto his face, exasperated. ‘Selena, you know I like you.’
‘Do I?’ I say. ‘In what way?’
‘I like you in the way that everything about you consumes my every thought so much that I realised this is what falling for another person is.’
‘Then why are you making this so hard?’
‘Because we can’t be together!’ he finally exclaims, the words leaving him in a half-strangled scream.
‘Because you’re going to go to America?’
‘Yes.’
‘But you don’t even want to go back.’
‘This isn’t about what I want.’
‘Everything is about what you want! It should be about whatyouwant. It’s your life, as much as my life is my life.’
‘Selena, it doesn’t matter.’ He sighs. He looks a bit defeated. ‘Don’t you think this is a bit cliched? Star-crossed lovers?’
‘I wouldn’t call us enemies by fate. More by the circumstance of you being a prick.’
He laughs, and I feel the tension release.
‘I forget you’re an English student. I meant how you will be in London and I will be in the US.’ He looks away, rakes a hand over his head. ‘Which is why I shouldn’t have kissed you. Mentally, I’m not in a good place right now. Yesterday? I had literally had an argument with my dad beforehand. He’s insistent I go to Berkeley.’
I cross my arms. ‘But what has that got to do with me?’
‘Because you make this place feel like home, and I know that it isn’t.’ He raises his voice for the first time. I flinch. He shakes his head. ‘Sorry, it’s that every time I’m with you I feel at ease, I guess. You’re the person I want to run to when everything is going wrong. You’re the person who makes me feel myself. But I don’t have a future here. And I’m deluding myself I do.’
I want to argue with him, ask him if I’m not worth it. But then I realise, it’s not about me. It’s about him. And there’s nothing I can do about that.
Failure crashes over me. Because I had really hoped I would turn up here, and it would be like a movie or a song. That we’d get our happy ending.
It turns out life isn’t straightforward.
‘You’re right, you shouldn’t have kissed me.’ I stand up, trying to hold in the tears. ‘I’ll see you around.’
Forty-Eight
I’m still figuring it out
I might look like I have it together
I just want this to last forever
‘Figuring It Out’ fromThe Brink of Teenage Freedom
