“It is. And give Tanner a chance.” I open my mouth but she holds up a hand. “I know it’s been months, but he really helped when I found out I was pregnant.”
“He did?” I ask, surprised I didn’t hear about this sooner.
“He obviously was there when Jude caught me throwing up in the trash can in his lobby, but then I saw him when I went to tell Ellison I was pregnant. I was in my car freaking out in the Kettle & Kiln parking lot and he tapped on my window.” She lifts her shoulder and lets it drop. “He told me about being married to his ex-wife and about how they got pregnant after one night at a party. I know it’s cliché but he’s been through a lot.”
“Haven’t we all?” I ask, a little harsher than I intend.
Instead of recoiling, she smiles. “We have, but Tanner had awifeand I mean, as an outsider, Clementine Creek and Blackstone Falls area lotto get used to. He had to acclimate not only to being here but also dealing with being divorced and also reconciling that he’s interested in men.”
“Fine,” I concede. “So what do I do?”
“Whatever you want. I’m not saying you have to give him a chance. I’m just saying that I would.”
Snorting out a laugh, I rock my niece from side to side, her tiny face snuggled into the crook of my arm. “I’m going to make sure Jude knows how open you are to the idea of giving him a chance,” I tease and she rolls her eyes, no doubt reliving all the hoops she—rightfully— made my brother jump through.
“All I’m saying is that it worked out.” She smiles happily. “It was worth it.”
Her expression is so serene, and I can’t help the sliver of jealousy that creeps in because I want that. I want lazy days and goofy smiles and maybe even a little baby in my arms.
In our home.
Too bad I’m getting ahead of myself.
Too bad I have no idea how this will all turn out.
10
TANNER
MORE THAN 3 YEARS AGO
Mandatory Journal Entry #85
I kissed a man today and I don’t know how I feel about it. Maybe it was weird because it was Cal or maybe it’s because it was fake, I don’t know. It’d been a favor for, ironically, Cal’s sister, but I know her as Hannah Thayer, wife of Otto’s twin brother.
Not Hannah Spence, Cal’s sister.
She wanted to do a series of those stranger photoshoots that are popular right now and I went because I was asked to. She said the pictures were great and Cal and I did have fun.
Because we’re friends.
There hadn’t been a spark when we went out on that first date and there wasn’t a spark today when he kissed me. He asked, of course, and I told him he could but the aftermath has been a mindfuck. Should I have let him kiss me? Should I have saved it for someone else?
To be fair, it was a good kiss and I liked the way it felt. I liked his stubble against my hand and the roughness of his hand gripping my neck.
But I’ll never get that “first” back. It probably doesn’t matter. I’m probably just holding on to the idea of it because the everything after feels like I’m jumping into the deep end and don’t know how to swim.
But that’s true, isn’t it?
11
DEACON
The knock on my door has me fighting back a smile as the screen of my phone goes dark, hiding the message that came in less than a minute before—I’m here.
I’m strangely relaxed as I make my way from the kitchen to the entryway, my jeans and T-shirt casual, just like my expression as I turn the handle.
“Evening,” I say cordially as I lean my shoulder against the doorframe. Tanner’s mouth opens and closes without making a sound as he stares at my chest, the fabric stretched tight and leaving little to the imagination. He seems to be having trouble forming words, and I appreciate the ego boost.
