Fuck.
“It was great,” I say, unable to keep the sadness from my voice because it was great but it’s just…
“That’s great!” She smiles before her expression falls. “If it wasgreat, why do you look so miserable?”
“I need to tell you something, and I need you to promise not to get mad.”
“I can’t promise that.” Huffing, she corrects, “I promise not to be mad atyou.I don’t promise I won’t be mad at the situation.”
“I feel it.” The words are like shards of glass leaving my mouth, my knuckles turning white as I grip the edge of the counter. “I feel that relief of being with the person you were meant to be with.”
“That’s a good thing,” she reassures softly, but I shake my head.
“It’s makes me think about you and Otto and how long?—”
“We’ve talked about this,” she says firmly. “You and I made a decision and I wouldn’t change that. Briggs is a piece of our story that we get to have forever. We weren’t right for each other, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t give our kid the absolute best life while we were together. And it doesn’t mean that we don’t still love each other. We had to wait and this”—she waves her hand around—“is the reward.”
“I kissed him, Fallon. I kissed him and it scrambled my brain, and it took me years to get here and that didn’t matter before because I didn’t have this to compare it to. But you were with Otto. You had this feeling tucked away and?—”
“I changed my mind,” she hisses. “I ammad at you.”
“No, you’re not,” I challenge, releasing the counter before turning and leaning against it. “You know what I mean.”
“I know what you mean and you’re still not listening, Tanner. There’s no other way that things could have worked out between you and me, and I won’t even entertain it. Our son has thebestlife. He has so many people who love him, and we wouldn’t be here if you and I didn’t try to make our marriage work.We had to.”The last three words are punctuated, and I feel them ricochet around my brain. “Why are you trying so hard not to be loved?”
“I’m not.”
“You are. You think you deserve this life of solitude and it hurts, Tanner. It hurts because I look at you and even though I’m living my dream, a part ofmefeels guilty for being as happy as I am.”
“Fallon.” There are no words to describe the way that statement absolutely destroys me. “That’s not… God, I’m so sorry. That’s not what I meant. You and Otto are perfect and I love him too. I love being part of the family and all the absolute chaos that comes with it.”
“But do you see how easily I can do it too? I can choose to wallow in the guilt that never fully went away where you’re concerned, or I can live and try my best to support you as you navigate this new and incredible part of your life.”
“I’m scared.”
“We’re all scared, Tanner. I never wanted to get married again and yet my ex-husband was instrumental in getting me down the aisle to my new husband.” She says it with a huff and I can’t help the way my lips twitch.
That was a great day.
And I was honored to be a part of it.
“We get to be happy, Tanner. We get to be really, freaking happy and we don’t need to feel guilty about it.”
“You’re right.”
“I know.” She flips her hair over her shoulder. “Go clear your mind and then help Briggs with his math homework because I think I made it worse and Otto can’t do math on paper.”
I snort out a laugh because that makes sense. Otto is incredible with his hands. He and his brother Case run a thrivinglandscaping business, and I’ve seen him eyeball measurements and be pretty damn close to perfect.
But that’s practical math. The stuff Briggs is bringing home is designed to make a grown person doubt if they even know how to function in everyday life.
It’s so fun.
“Are you going to be all right?” she asks, her voice soft and full of concern.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
I smile and this time I think I really mean it.
