Shaking my head, I maneuver the next section of cabinets away from the wall. Jude isn’t gone. He’s just finally getting the life he deserves, and realistically, I’m getting a sister and a niece out of it so I should be excited.
And I am.
But now the house that Jude and I shared feels too big, and even though I’m fixing it up for them—for Jude and Arden and the baby—it’s still bittersweet.
Do I get to have something that’s just for me?
Someone?
I’d never worried about that, never felt the pressure to settle down. My parents had been happy and in love and my father was never the same after she died. For a while it was too hard to imagine investing myself in someone like that.
I couldn’t imagine having my heart ripped from my chest again, not when the agony of seeing my brother in a hospital bed was still alive and well in my nightmares. His recovery had been slow and painful and I barely left his side.
But he made it.
And now he’s living. He’s more than living—he’s thriving.
So why aren’t I?
I could pretend it has nothing to do with Tanner but that’d be a lie. I don’t even know him that well but Iwantto, and I think I’d been betting on him coming around to the idea of dating me.
Of giving us a chance.
But the longer the silence stretches between us, the more unlikely that seems.
TANNER
I hatenights that Briggs is with his mom and Otto. I mean, I love that he’s happy and that he has so many people that love him and places he loves to be. But on the nights he’s gone, the house feels too big.
Too quiet.
I even miss the grunts and whines that he’s not afraid to let out into the world when I ask him to pick up around the house anduse soapwhen he’s in the shower. Sighing, I grab my bookmark and place it in my paperback, my mind unable to focus on the words in front of me. It’s a good book, but it’s just not doing it for me right now.
I bet Deacon would do it for me…
The thought is as surprising as it is expected at this point. There’s not a night that’s gone by where Deacon hasn’t invaded my thoughts in some capacity, and it’s starting to be a problem. I miss seeing him, and I can’t shake the worry that he’s avoiding me, that the fear I voiced to Cal is finally coming true.
He’s given up on me.
But maybe it’s what I’ve needed all along.
So much of my hesitation in dating after my divorce has revolved around my insecurities with diving into a world I know basically nothing about. It’s new and terrifying, but it shouldn’t be. I know who I am and what I want, and I shouldn’t be afraid to let myself experienceeverything.
A wave of chills races over my skin, the thought exhilarating like a whisper that says maybe I need to be the one to askhim.
I hadn’t thought of it before but it makes sense, even if I’ll hate stepping out of my newly formed comfort zone. I can’t keep living in the past, and honestly, I’ve already overcome so much. How much more do I need to prove before I believe that I deserve a chance at happiness?
Resolved, I place the paperback on my nightstand and turn off the light, my hand already sliding over my length before my eyes adjust to the darkness. But I don’t need to see to stroke myself the way I want, the way that gets me there every time. I just need the relief.
With any luck, soon Deacon’s hands on me will no longer be a fantasy and I’ll be able to finally experience all the things I’ve denied myself.
With any luck, I’ll be brave enough to tell him how I feel.
5
TANNER
ABOUT 4 YEARS AGO
