“Don’t fluster him,” Jude chides as I feel my face heat. “You know how long I had to work to get you to like me and admit you wanted this.” He motions between them as Deacon presses a lingering kiss to my temple.
“We’ll get there,” he whispers, my emotions ping-ponging all over the living room at how right it feels being here, how hot Deacon looks holding a baby, and the idea that Arden already considers mefamily.
Sure, chosen family is the common denominator between Clementine Creek and Blackstone Falls, but this feels different.
This feels likefamily.
And even though it’s scary, I want it. I want to be all in.
I just need a minute to catch my breath.
I excusedmyself to the bathroom and lingered only long enough to steady my nerves. We haven’t spent any real time with Jude and Arden, but I can already see family dinners at my house while Briggs dotes on the baby.
It’s perfect.
But all that seems to change when I step into the hall, low voices coming from the kitchen as I hide in the shadows.
“Do you think you’ll have kids?” Arden asks as my heart stutters in my chest.
“Uh, no. Tanner has Briggs and he’s really great. We didn’t talk about it too much but Tanner doesn’t want more.”
“But you’ve always wanted kids.” Jude’s voice is low and serious as I lean my shoulder against the wall and let my eyelids flutter closed. Before I had Briggs, I didn’t even know if I wanted kids, and then I didn’t have a choice. Fallon and I did our best and Briggs is everything to me, but with the divorce and all that’s happened after, it never even crossed my mind that I’d want, let alonehaveanother kid.
“I have Salem and Lyric and Briggs and between the two sides, there’s plenty of kids I can spoil,” Deacon replies, and as far as I can tell the conversation is thankfully only happening between him, Jude, and Arden.
I don’t need anyone else putting either of us on the spot.
“You’d be a great dad,” Arden says softly, my gut roiling as guilt floods my system.
“I’m happy with Tanner. We don’t need to complicate anything. I just need him.”
“Maybe you can talk?—”
“I won’t pressure him,” Deacon says, his voice firm. “He’s been through a lot, and the life we’re building is great.”
His words should make me feel better, but all I can hear is the disappointment in Jude and Arden at the idea that their baby won’t have any cousins to play with from Deacon if he stays with me.
Not ones that will grow up with theirs, at least.
Briggs is a decade older than Salem, and while he’s amazing with babies, will they be as close as he is with his other cousins? Will everyone be resentful they don’t have the connection? Deacon is the only blood family Jude has left, and even then, what are the options? Surrogate? Adoption?
I’ve heard and witnessed more than a few heartbreaking stories of arrangements that fell through…and then what?
Things are still so new. Could we survive that if something happened?
So much for a great day.
And why can’t we just catch a fucking break? I can’t exactly remember when I told Deacon I don’t want more kids, but I do know we didn’ttalkabout it. And this is way too much for my first holiday with them.
But will there be another?
Fuck.
Backing quietly toward the bathroom, I take a deep breath and rattle the door, my footsteps intentionally loud against the floor so they know I’m coming this time. Putting on the realest smile I can manage, I reenter the kitchen and pretend that everything is fine.
Because as far as they know, it is.
I’m just not sure I’ll ever be the same.
