But did that mean he should never love again? Would the ache he carried for the loss of his firstborn, and his first love, make it impossible? Would unanswered questions from the past deny him a fulfilling future?
After rearranging his linen closet for the third time in as many days, Zinn finally stumbled onto the answer. A compromise, really. He didn’t know if he could commit to fully returning Calder’s love, but if he had any hope of getting there, the first step in coming to peace with the past was to shine a light on it.
***
Later that night, Zinn knockedon Calder’s front door. Ked and Jordie waved, then retreated to their rooms.
They sat down at the kitchen table, on the side of the house nearest the bakery. Even with the sweet smells emanating from Felton’s, Zinn imbibed Calder’s pine and clove scent clearly.
“How are you feeling?” Calder asked, sliding a cup of tea in front of him.
“Good. Rested.” Zinn sipped thoughtfully. “I’ll wait another month to take a home test, but I think we both know what it’s going to say.”
Calder looked so eager, Zinn almost felt sorry for him.
But mostly he felt joy that this alpha wanted their son so badly.
“I hope you know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and the space you gave me to process. It feels like it all happened so fast.”
Calder clutched his mug. “That’s true.”
“It doesn’t seem like that long ago when I first walked into Felton’s. And you were always kind, but then it began to blur. These past few months especially, it started to feeldifferent. But before I even registered that, my heat was coming, and we were talking logistics and signing contracts. A minute later, you’re being wonderful and renting a house and buying art supplies and fucking me sideways, giving me more than I’d ever dared hope for…and now I’m pregnant with your baby.” Zinn’s lips turned up. “It’s a lot.”
Calder offered a small smile of his own. A reassuring one. “It is.”
Zinn gripped the handle until his knuckles turned white. “This wasn’t the first heat I’ve had where things moved so fast I couldn’t wrap my head around it in real time.”
“Oh?” Calder’s tone was cautious. Neutral.
Zinn gulped. “I want to tell you everything, but it’s hard.”
“Sunshine, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
Zinn peered at him from beneath his lashes. “I know. And I’m incredibly grateful for your endless patience, for not pushing me to talk about my past. But I’ve had days to think about this.” He chewed his bottom lip. “Before I tell you about my life before, Iwant to get one thing on the table first. So you can rest easy while you listen.”
Calder leaned forward in his chair. "Alright."
“No matter what else happens, you will be a part of our son’s life. I want that.”
“You’re sure?”
“It’s a nonstarter. There is no way this baby won’t be better off for having you as his father. I know what I said when we signed the contract, but as soon as this pregnancy became real, I never truly considered parenting him solo. But if we’re going to have any chance of being together as more than just co-parents—” Calder’s eyes sparked but Zinn shook his head “—I need you to understand exactly what’s holding me back. In case it changes the way you feel.”
Calder clasped his hand, twining their fingers. “There is nothing you can tell me that will make me stop loving you.”
“You can’t be sure of that.”
“Omega,” Calder stated, hisalpha voiceechoing in the room. “I will listen to everything you have to say. But. Nothing. Will. Make. Me. Stop. Loving. You.”
Zinn trembled at Calder’s use of hisvoice. If he hadn’t been desperate to make things work with this incredible man before, he was now.
Still, Calder had to grasp the full situation.
“Even if I’m in love with another alpha?”
Calder flinched, but had the wherewithal to squeeze Zinn’s palm. “Even then.”
With that reassurance in mind, Zinn told him about meeting Valentin and the circumstances of his first heat. He talked about finding out he was pregnant, and the months he spent waiting in vain for his child’s alpha father to return. He talked about his parents’ control over him, how they paid Valentin to leave town, and how Zinn still thought there was more to that story. Hespoke about his escape attempt, about waking up in the hospital to discover his baby gone, along with his appendix.
