“I understand it can be hard for you to deal with these feelings, especially with Nadia in town. What I want for you is to call me any time those feelings go toward the path of self-harm.” That only happened once, and I doubt it will ever be an issue. I am not self-harming, and I have never been. I have had one incident where I was thinking about it, but after talking to her on the phone, I quickly came to my senses. Yet she has never let it go since. She will always bring up the fact that she is here, a phone call away if I need her again.
“I will. Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, doctor.” I notice the clock; showing our time is up, wasted just sitting here in silence because I can’t figure out how to talk to people, not even my therapist. She says something about our next appointment, but her voice sounds far away, and instead I focus on my breathing as I thank her and exit the office. I take the small elevator, and a small journey later I find myself in the lobby of the building. I step outside; the weather is slightly colder today, and my mind drifts to Noah and his leather jacket that he likes to wear. The fact that he is probably wearing it today, and I wonder how he feels after our night yesterday. I realize, as I walk to the bar, that I might be as much at risk of catching feelings as he is.
Noah
“Are you okay?” Rachel whispers into my ear, standing right behind me as I try to mix the hair dye for my client.
“Sure, why do you ask?” I say, and it’s totally not true. I slept only two hours, and although I am usually fine with that amount of sleep, even after drinking bottles of wine with my best friend, this time my body has decided to completely go on strike, and I feel like I am going to die.Anytime now. It’s coming. I can feel it.
“You look like a corpse.” She points out. “A very handsome corpse, but still a corpse.”Fuck you, Rachel.
“Well, thank you for the compliment.” I respond with annoyance and take the bowl of hair dye with me as I walk toward the break room door. Rachel follows me, as she often does. Because this woman truly refuses to let things go. She does it with men, books, gossip. Hell I am pretty sure she will eventually try to kidnap Kai again if he doesn’t appear on his own soon.
“What happened after you got that call from Leo?” She asks, trying to get more gossip out of me.
“We just watched a movie.” I try my best to sound boring, in hopes she won’t ask more.
“Just a movie?” She presses. Of course my efforts to keep her from asking more only made her more curious.That’s great.
“He might have also given me a blowjob during the movie in an empty cinema theater.” I say, trying to sound casual, and royally failing.
She grabs my arm and yanks me back, and the bowl of hair dye almost escapes and I manage to save it with just a little spill on my jeans. I love this pair of jeans too. Of course the one day I chose to wear a light denim wash is the day I get black hair dye on it. I can’t have nice things, and this woman is the reason. I glare at her and she mouths a silent apology. It takes everything inside me to not dump the damn bowl of hair dye on her head. The only reason keeping me from doing it is the fact that I will have to fix the mess afterward, and I am truly not in the mood to deal with the curly mess on her head right now.
“I will pay for cleaning, now spill.” She tells me in a hushed tone, since we are in the hallway right behind the door that leads to the main area of the salon.
“Not much to tell, really. He bought me snacks, sucked my dick during the movie, and then drove me home.” I shrug. “I don’t think I will see him again anyway. It shouldn’t matter.” He didn’t even bother to say goodnight; he drove off the moment I exited the car. I checked my phone this morning and no messages. I am pretty sure he is ghosting me. I would get upset about it, but ghosting isn’t always about you. He clearly has issues. I know this much from just seeing him last night, broken and ready to shatter in pieces at any moment. If he never shows up again, it’s not about me. It’s a ‘him’ problem.
“What?” She yells. “Why?”
“He is emotionally unavailable, Rachel, and I don’t have time to break my own heart by falling for him.” I stir the hair dye with the brush to keep myself busy and remind her that I do have a job to do. “Can I go back to work now?”
“I would prefer not, but I do have a client to attend to as well.” She opens the door and allows me to walk out first before she does the same and heads for her station. I watch her through the mirror as she greets her customer and takes her seat. I push myself to smile as I turn to my own client.
“Let’s make you beautiful, sweetheart.” I say with a sweet tone, and the young woman in my chair nods in agreement. I love my job, and I usually don’t care if I am tired. I will still do my best on those days. Today, though, it’s different.
I don’t know why my mind went into the depths of everything that can go wrong the moment he dropped me at my apartment, but it did. I couldn’t help it. I started thinking all the reasons he could be in this mental state before we met yesterday, and for the better part of our time together. Then my mind went straight to the fact he still was horny enough to hookup while being clearly a mess mentally. Which brought me right back to the fact that he was a mess, and I still don’t know the reason. I chose not to ask because it wasn’t my business, and I assumed he would share eventually. That never happened; the night went by in a flash, and I am still clueless. The worst part of this is not the fact that I don’t know what tormented him up to that point, but the fact that half of today has passed and he hasn’t reached out. As more time passes, I am convincing myself that I won’t see him again, and even though part of me is kind of relieved, another part shatters into pieces only at the idea. So much for keeping myself from falling for him.This man will ruin me.
Leo
“Iknow this look.” Kai offers me a paper cup full of coffee as we wait for any customer to enter through the door. Nadia is sitting on one of the booths at the far end of the bar, with her laptop open and working remotely as she usually does during the week she stays with us.
“What look?” I pretend I don’t understand. I take a sip of the coffee he offered me, and for a moment it soothes my anxiety in a way.Isn’t it supposed to do the opposite?
“It’s been years since she broke things off.” Kai starts and I turn toward him.
“I know.” I whisper.
“I know you are not still caught up on her, and I know the only reason you get depressed when she visits is the way she ended it.” Kai says softly. “You have to know she didn’t mean it the way it sounded. She just wanted to wake you up. I agree with her, you know. You torment yourself still for something you did years ago. Something that had to be done. You saved your mom. We both wish we could have done the same. She never judged you for it. I never judged you for it.”
“I judge me.” I take another sip. “I. JUDGE. ME.” I say louder. I barely hold my tears at bay. Every word stings to admit, but it’s the truth. I judge me. I judge my actions. I judged the fact that I was weak. I couldn’t protect her sooner, and when I did, everything was ruined. I ruined my own family.I am a monster.
“I know you do.” His hand rests on my shoulder, and he gives me a light squeeze. It’s a small gesture that says he means everything he is saying. I know he does, but it’s still hard forme to accept it. I am a murderer even if I didn’t mean for it to happen. Even if I didn’t want to do it. Even if my father deserved it. A killer is still a killer, despite the reason or motive. It doesn’t matter if you were protecting someone or found enjoyment in the act. You are still a killer if you took a life. That’s who I am. That’s who I will always be.
“Maybe you should call Noah.” Kai’s voice breaks me from my thoughts.
“Why?” I know the reason he is telling me to call him. He has noticed that every time I see Noah, my mood changes. I am happier. I feel more calm. It’s a change that you can easily notice compared to my usual grumpy self. I have noticed it too. “Will you call Rachel?” I ask, pushing the same buttons he is.
“I will.” We both know he won’t. He is punishing himself for being too obsessed with her. “When Nadia leaves, I will.” He promises, and maybe deep down, he believes his own lies. I am not too worried about it; from the little I have seen, Rachel isn’t the woman who will let him go without a fight. Soon enough, we will find her on our doorstep.
