That Adam had taken into consideration my feelings.
I smiled and assured him I was fine with that, while secretly hoping he’d change his mind about my desire to go to college.
He never did.
Three years and one day into our marriage, we woke up one morning, and he announced, “It’s time we had children.”
“One more year.I want one degree.I’m only twenty-two, Adam.”
He wasn’t home much at that time, traveling for work, spending half his time in Los Angeles.But I wasn’t allowed to spread my wings.He controlled where I went and whom I saw.His money, his rules.
I was lonely, bored, and going insane.Education was all I wanted.I was eager to learn and see what I was capable of.
Children would be wonderful, but I didn’t feel like I had much to give them after my upbringing.I argued that education would be a contribution to our kids.
“Don’t be ridiculous, we will get a nanny.”
“No way.I’m their mother.”
“For god’s sakes, Courtney, people like us have nannies; that’s just how it works,” Adam dismissed me.“You have other priorities.Right now, that’s getting your body ready for my seed.”
His words had made me feel a little sick.
“One more year, Adam, please.I’ll just start the degree.”
“Cut out this talk.You’re my wife, not some college girl.”The look on his face was loathsome, as if I’d asked to be a call girl.
“I could do most of it online,” I pleaded, though I was excited to meet other young people.
“The answer is no.Go see the doctor and prepare.This is our future.You pregnant with our child and giving birth, not flitting around a college campus.”
He wouldn’t listen.
Adam was in charge and always had been.He reviewed my credit card spending, questioning anything that looked unusual.Needed to know what I did each day and was clear about who he did and didn’t like.
“It’s for your benefit.You don’t know people in this town and what they’re capable of when you have this sort of wealth.I don’t want you walking around the streets.”
The streets?It would be a college campus and knowing Adam, it would be Columbus or Brown.
“I’m not wealthy; you are,” I reminded him, muttering.
“Correct.”He winked at me.
I never argued or pushed, but this was different.This was my education and bringing little people into the world.
“Adam, let’s discuss this.It shouldn’t be rushed into.”
“It’s been three years.Do not argue with me.Anyway, didn’t your mother get pregnant with you out of wedlock at twenty-one?”
“Yes...”
“Well, then, you are worlds ahead of her and likely anyone else in your loser family.Stop taking your contraceptives.There’s nothing else to discuss.I want you pregnant in the next three months.”
Three?
Adam walked out of the room while I lay in our bed wondering what to do.That wasn’t how I imagined discussing having a baby with my husband.I had romanticized it being a joyful moment.A celebration.Not a calendar date I had to meet.
I remember a tear rolling down my cheek and questioning our love.It didn’t feel right.
