I stop and stare at myself in the mirror.All I see is a young girl who just wanted more for herself in life.Who didn’t want to end up like her mother with some loser?I hate thinking of my father like that, but it’s the truth.
I’m proud I haven’t ended up addicted to drugs or alcohol like they are.Sure, there’s a big part of me who feels that not a dollar of Adam’s money is mine, but the law says differently.
I didn’t cheat.
I tried to be a good wife.
I did as he asked.
I tried to get pregnant and give him a child, but I couldn’t.The shame with that is enormous, coupled with his abuse.
The doctors said they didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, that my painful periods would be a contributor and stress didn’t help, so give it a full year.At that point, they said testing Adam’s sperm would give us the answers we sought.
He refused.
He told me I was trying to blame him and was lying to the doctors.
My eyes lower as they begin to fill.
The entire experience was horrible, and now I don’t even know if I want a baby.Ido.I just want it to be natural and happy.To feel supported and safe.
I can only imagine the joy of holding my baby in my arms for the first time as I gaze into his or her pretty eyes.Every day teaching it what I’ve learned about life and guiding it through this journey of being human.
At almost twenty-six, I know there is time, but who knows how long it will take me to meet someone new.To love them enough to commit and then get to the point where we both want to marry and have children.
So, the clockisticking.
I thought I loved Adam, but every day I question myself.When he hit me, all the love vanished into thin air, but I thought it would return.
It never did.
He has never apologized, and while it would be easy to assume he feels guilty, I don’t think he does.I think I was a tool in his life plan—pretty young wife, babies next.
If Adam feels anything, it’s anger that I didn’t produce his heir and that he might be responsible (unlikely, but possible).So, I doubt he’ll bring the topic up during settlement discussions.
It would lead to that fateful and painful day.
And that would embarrass him.
The crazy thing is, a week after I left, I thought I was pregnant.Every day I prayed for my period to arrive, begging to not be linked to Adam for the rest of my life through a child.
I waited to test for several days.Then, the morning I woke up, knowing I couldn’t torture myself any longer, I felt a stabbing pain and ended up having the heaviest period of my life.God, my hormones and emotions were all over the place.I sat in the bathroom, bawling my eyes out in relief.
What did that say about me?
What sort of mother would I be who didn’t want it even while in my womb?
I hated Adam for what he’d turned me into.
Knock, knock.
The loud banging on the door startles me.
“Courtney!”
My head snaps around as I recognize Zander’s voice.
Shit.
