Carefully sinking down to his knees, Tom inched forward toward Piñata’s back legs, which stuck out of the goat house and rested on the dirt.He didn’t seem to have enough room to really kick, but his body was jostling enough that it looked like he could still do some damage to anybody that got too close.
Maverick came running back with a dinged and dented red metal toolbox and set it down near Tom.“What now?”
“We shoot him,” Tom said.“Or at least, we should.”
Jagger made a loud “Ha!”that was barely audible over the donkey screams.
“Aren’t you a vegetarian?”Maverick hollered.
“I won’teathis tainted meat,” Tom said.“Would turn me into a demon like him.”
I glanced at the other two men, and we all exchanged smiles.
Maverick opened the toolbox and pulled out an electric screwdriver.Then he went to work on unscrewing all the planks so that we could eventually remove the house from on top of the donkey.
It sucked just standing there watching one man work, but there was only one screwdriver.
“Is there a manual one?”I finally asked, searching in the perfectly organized box.
“Si,” Tom said, pointing.
I found two identical Phillips-heads and handed the other one to Jagger.We had all the planks removed in no time and put them over to the side.Then, using some canvas straps from the box, Tom bound Piñata’s hind legs and front legs to keep him from trying to get up and kick us, before we each grabbed a side of the goat house and lifted it off the screaming jackass.It was surprisingly heavy, so I was glad we were all there to help Tom.
Once he knew he was free, Piñata did everything he could to try to get up and run away, but he was bound.Maybe, in hindsight, that wasn’t such a good idea, because now we had to figure out how to untie him without getting a hoof in the face.
“Two men on each side,” Tom said, showing that Maverick and I should take the front legs while he and Jagger took the back.“We will take this idiot to the barn.”
Ah, so we weren’t just going to let him go.He was going into solitary confinement like a proper criminal.
He continued to scream bloody murder the entire time we lugged his squirming, hairy ass across the yard to his enclosure.I thought I heard something pop in my shoulder at one point when Piñata jerked his body hard to the left, but I honestly wasn’t sure.I couldn’t hear myself think, let alone my joints grind or pop over the infernal braying.
Tom opened Piñata’s stall, then we tossed him in like a sack of spuds.Because he owned the beast, Tom said he was the one who needed to go in and risk his testicles and untether the donkey.Maverick, Jagger, and I stood back, our hands covering our genitals in solidarity as we watched our friend bravely remove the bindings from Piñata’s legs.
He did the front ones first, then, half-standing, half-crouching, he loosened the back one’s enough that Piñata could kick himself free.Tom raced out to the middle of the barn with the rest of us, slamming Piñata’s stall door.
The donkey kicked the sides of his stall and screamed like he was still trapped in the goat house.
“That animal is insane,” Maverick said.“A legit psychopath, I’m sure of it.”
“I haven’t gotten him assessed, but I believe you are right,” Tom said, wiping his sweaty brow.“I hate him.And I don’t usually hate animals.”
“So if we show up one day and you offer us suspicious jerky, we’re supposed to just take it and not ask any questions?”Jagger asked.
Tom nodded.“Si.No questions.Just peace.”
“I think that earned us another beer,” Jagger said.
“Need to put the goat structure back together first,” I said.
They all grumbled in agreement and followed me out toward the goat pen, where we worked until it was dark, reassembling the goat’s jungle gym.By the time we were done, we all wanted another beer, but decided it was too late and we needed to get home.
“Well, this was … interesting and entertaining,” I said, standing on Tom’s front porch.“Thank you for inviting me.Does every Monday night involve donkey wrangling?Because I may need to increase my disability insurance if it does.”
“More often than you would think,” Jagger mused.
Tom held out his hand, and I took it.“Thank you, my friend,” he said.
After all hands were shaken, we climbed into Jagger’s truck and were headed back to the winery.
