“Tess, it’s Zack.”
Zack Mercer.
Ryan’s partner.
He wouldn’t be here unless…
Opening the front door, my breath catches in my throat as my eyes meet his and immediately begin to fill with tears from the expression on his face. “Don’t you dare fucking say it, Zack.”
“I’m sorry, Tess. Ryan, he—”
I don’t hear his next words. My heart momentarily seizes in my chest, and with the next beat, I’m falling to my knees as my entire world crumbles around me.
Chapter one
Tessa
PresentDay
The first day of school should come with a warning label for parents. Something along the lines ofCaution: May contain spontaneous tears, a rollercoaster of emotions, and excessive photo taking.
I know what you’re thinking. It’s just a phase. The tears won’t last forever. The first week or two is the hardest. As soon as he gets used to the new routine, he’ll do great! But what about me? I wasn’t prepared for the torrent of emotions that came barreling through my chest as I watched my little boy saunter into the colorful classroom with his superhero backpack. I made sure his sandy blond hair was styled with gel, despite knowing it wouldn’t last past the first recess break, because he insisted on “looking fancy” for his first day.
Starting kindergarten is all he has been able to talk about for weeks, but I was still expecting him to shed a tear or two, maybe wrap his little arms around my legs and hold on for dear life.
What I didn’t expect was to be the one with tears in my eyes as I tried to hold on to my son for just one more minute. Over the years, I’ve gotten used to being a single parent, if that’s something you can even get used to. It’s not a path I ever planned for, but then again, nobody plans to lose the love of their life.
No one ever talks about it either…what it’s like to lose your person. When I first lost Ryan, everyone in my life treated me as if I were made of glass with cracks forming just beneath the surface. As if one wrong move or misspoken word would shatter me completely. Eventually, that faded and they all started treating me like normal again. Except when that happened, the man I’d spent the last few years planning a future with was suddenly only part of my past.
“You should’ve seen him this morning, Ry. He’s so excited to learn and make friends. He insisted on wearing his light-up superhero shoes and spent the whole morning stomping around the kitchen because he wanted to make sure the lights were working.” I laugh softly to myself, fighting back the sting of tears threatening to fall. “I wish you were here.”
The words hang in the silence as I sit parked outside of Lori's Diner, the air thick with a tension that never seems to dissipate. I’ve never been comfortable driving larger vehicles, but when it came time to get rid of one of ours, I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of Ryan’s SUV. For a while, driving it helped me feel closer to him. Now it’s what I drive because it’s what I have. A part of me is still clinging to the memories of him behind the wheel, but those memories have faded over the years, along with the scent of his cologne that no longer lingers in the leather seats.
I need to pull myself together before I go inside, tie an apron around my waist and force a smile as I power through the next few hours.
Ryan probably would have cried right alongside me today. He was so excited to become a dad. He used to swear he was looking forward to every part of it. The ultrasounds, the delivery, the endless diaper changes, the late-night feedings, suffering through lack of sleep thanks to colic, testing out solid foods, first steps, and first words.
He wanted it all, and instead, he has missed everything.
The town called him a hero. Articles about him were published in the local newspaper, neighbors and people who worked at the station delivered meals and casseroles, and I was bombarded with enough flowers to open a floral shop, but none of it mattered. No amount of condolences would ever bring him home.
I used to carry this fear that the grief I felt while I was pregnant with Jacob would somehow sink into his soul and impact him before he was even brought into this world. I remember the first time I heard him laugh. It was this bright, full-belly, unfiltered sound. A weight was lifted from my shoulders when his laughter filled the room, and I remember releasing this deep, heavy sigh and sending out a silent thank you.
Somehow, Jake carried his father’s light.
Ryan’s parents were out of town on vacation when the accident happened, and by the time they came home, I’d fallen so deeply into the dark that I refused to see them—or anyone else who had been close to my husband. When I finally got confirmation that I was pregnant a few weeks after the funeral, they were some of the last people to find out.
Had he still been here, Ryan would’ve called them the day those two pink lines appeared. His mother would have cried tears of joy while his father’s deep laugh boomed in the background with a “Congrats, Son!”
As fate would have it, I was wearing one of Ryan’s old hooded sweatshirts and a pair of leggings because it was all that felt comfortable when I ran into his mom, Caroline Miller, at the grocery store. She took one look at me, and tears immediately filled her eyes. Happiness, heartbreak, and anger all simultaneously flooded her features. At first, she accused me of having an affair and said I should be ashamed of myselffor doing this to Ryan. She stood there screaming at me in the middle of the freezer aisle, calling me more vulgar names than I care to repeat. When she was finally finished with her tantrum, I calmly told her, with tears in my eyes, that the baby was his.
I knew she wasn’t angry with me and she didn’t actually believe that I would have betrayed Ryan, but grief makes people do and say terrible things. Still, I went home that night, buried my face in my husband’s pillow, inhaled the faint, lingering scent of him, and cried myself to sleep.
Life wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. Ryan was meant to be here for all of this. Instead, he died trying to save a stranger’s life. And that’s maybe the cruelest part. There’s an undercurrent of anger that lives beneath my skin like molten lava with nowhere to go. Because what right do I have to be angry at him for leaving me the way he did?
It takes me a few more minutes of fighting for composure before I climb from the car and make my way inside. Lori’s Diner sits on one of the busiest corners in the main part of town. The building’s wooden exterior was updated a few years ago with a fresh coat of white paint, contrasting beautifully with the red brick lining the bottom of the building. The entry door is now a buttery sunshine yellow—a color Lori insists makes people happy—and light blue curtains hang on either side of each window. I thought working here would be temporary, something to help me get back on my feet after losing Ryan. But a few months turned into years, and somewhere along the way, the people here became my family.
“Mornin’, Tess,” Loretta says as I step inside the diner. The smell of bacon and pancakes wafts through the air, mixing with the delicious scent of freshly roasted coffee beans. “Hank just put on a fresh pot. You look like you could use it.” A soft smile spreads across her face as shefinishes pouring some into a mug for Mr. Robertson, one of the locals who frequents Lori's during the week.
