“Yeah,” I murmur. “I guess.”
“I’m so sorry.”
My eyes narrow a little. “For what?”
“That I didn’t know how bad it was. That I couldn’t help you. That I couldn’t save you.”
“No one could have saved me, Maya. I was a ticking time bomb, and I needed to hit rock bottom before I realised how fucked up I truly was. Only I could come to that decision on my own.”
“And rehab…” Maya trails off. “It helped?”
“Yeah. A lot more than I thought it would. At first, I thought it was a load of shit because I was still in denial. But then I started to listen to other people and write down my feelings, and it clicked that I wasn’t well, and the only way to get better was to be sober.”
“And when you left?”
“I had a few weeks in between rehab and university,” I say, thinking back to how hard it was adjusting to normal life without alcohol. “My parents didn’t want me to go. They wanted me to take a year off, but I disagreed and said I needed to stay distracted and get on with my life, not pause it.”
She nods slowly.
“And JJ knew about my problem, so that helped, and I told the guys. Ever since, I’ve been keeping myself away from any situation where alcohol might be so I don’t get triggered,” I admit. “Then I came to your house, and I saw you and our daughter, and that really put into perspective how badly I fucked up.”
Maya’s eyes tilt downwards. “I’m just glad you got the help you needed. You didn’t deserve to feel like that, you know that, right?”
I merely shrug because it’s still something I’m working on. “When I say I never want to be that guy again, I mean it. I’ve learnt so much about myself, and I don’t ever want to find myself in that situation again.”
“I believe you,” she mumbles as she leans in.
A breath of relief washes through me.
“I thought about you every day without fail,” I say as my eyes start to burn. “And those stupid drunken texts I know I sent you. I meant every one. But I let you go because I knew I was crashing and burning, and I couldn’t bear the thought of dragging you down with me.”
Maya’s nose wrinkles as her hands tremble. “I just wanted to help you.”
“I know, sunshine.”
She releases a small sob, and we lean in so close our foreheads are almost touching. “You haven’t called me sunshine in weeks,” she whimpers.
“You’ll always be my sunshine.” I cup her cheek and swipe my thumb along her cold skin. “No matter what. Even if you decide you don’t want me in your life like that. You helped me claw my way out of the darkest parts of my life, but I ruined it all before you could pull me out.”
Maya blinks, and a tear rolls down her cheek. “I just wanted you to be happy.”
“You made me the happiest man in the world,” I confess. “You gave me purpose and reason, and I took it for granted. I still had demons to face, and I let it take over my life.”
We stare at each other before I wipe her cheeks.
“I hate seeing you cry,” I sigh.
“I wish I did more.”
“You did everything you could.”
“And it wasn’t enough.”
I shake my head. “I was the one who wasn’t enough.”
“That’s not true.”
Maya flicks her glossy eyes between mine as I gently drop my hand from her face. “Come on,” I say as I pull her to standing gently. “It’s cold. Let’s get inside for some lunch, yeah?”
