“My girl–” I pause because we’re no longer in a relationship. “My ex-girlfriend. I did something or said something to her in my third year while I was off my face, and now she won’t talk to me; she hasn’t even come back to campus.” I raise my head to the sky. “And I don’t deserve her, but I still care for her, and I don’t know what I did, and it fucking breaks me.”
“Oh, Finn,” she exhales. “I didn’t know.”
“Because I didn’t tell you, or anyone. I was ashamed. How could I hurt her?”
It’s a question I ask myself every single day. I’m an asshole, a failure, a sad excuse for a human being. Tears begin to build in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.
“Do you want to make it right?”
“In my heart, yes,” I whisper. “But she deserves so much better than me, and I’m starting to realise maybe I need to let her go, so I don’t ruin her. I don’t want to ruin her, Ivy.”
She’s silent for a few moments. “Finn, god. I wish I could hug you right now.”
“I’m such a bad person.” I let my head fall into my hand.
“You’re not.”
“I am.”
“No, a bad person wouldn’t have any remorse and would do it again and again. But I know you’re working hard to get better, and I know that makes you a good person.”
I sniffle and wipe my face. “My therapist says I need to voice my struggles. To my loved ones. Rather than keeping everything to myself.”
“You’re still seeing a therapist?” she says optimistically. “That’s great.”
“It’s for my program. I don’t want to end up in the hospital again, Iv.”
“I know. I’m really proud of you.”
Her words make my eyes squeeze shut at the sensations that wash over me.
“What should I do?” I ask desperately.
“You love her?”
I’m nodding within a second. “Yeah, I do.”
“I understand your fears of feeling like she deserves better, but you’re not that person anymore, Finn. You’re working to better yourself, and everyone can see it. I think you need answers, and as hard as it is to hear, maybe even closure. I thinkyou should try and talk to her, ask her to help you fill in the gaps,” she says softly.
My nose wrinkles. “Do you think it’ll work?”
“I don’t know,” she sighs. “But it’s worth a shot, right? Especially if you love her. We all fuck up, but it’s about making it right, doing better, showing up. If she’s the one for you, Finn, put in the work and show her how much you’ve changed. I know you can do it. You deserve so much happiness.”
I rub my hand over my chest. I’m not sure if I deserve happiness, but I want to see her. I need to know what I did, despite telling myself over and over to leave her alone. It feels like I’ll never fully be able to move on if I don’t.
Forever what ifs and buts.
I straighten my spine. “Thanks for talking to me.”
“I’m always here,” she says supportively. “Always. Okay?”
My eyes burn again. “I don’t know what I did to deserve your forgiveness, Ivy. I?—”
“Hey,” she whispers. “It’s in the past, and you’ve done nothing but prove you’re sorry. It might still feel a little sore, but I’m working through it, too. I’m ready to let it go, and you should as well.”
“Why are you always the bigger person?”
Ivy snorts. “One of us has to be.”
