My heart races when I think about how unbelievably lucky I am. Alcohol couldn’t even come close to how she makes me feel. I can’t live without her, but I can live without alcohol if that means losing her.
“I’m sorry,” I say with a heavy chest.
Maya frowns. “I told you if you apologise again, you won’t like it.”
I exhale a breath through my nose that isn’t quite a laugh. “What’s my punishment?”
“You’re not allowed to make me come,” she states. “Which is shit because I really want to have sex with you, but you need to realise that it’s okay and I’m not mad.”
My mouth parts. “Not allowed to make you come? That’s not a punishment, that’s a life sentence.”
“Then stop apologising.”
I stare at the serious expression on her face. “Not going to lie, I thought sex would be off the table anyway.”
“Why?”
“Just overthinking.”
Maya leans down and brushes her mouth over mine, and instant contentment washes over me. “You had a wobble,” she says softly. “It doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“Can you come with me?” I say as she settles back into the pillows beside me.
“To therapy?”
I nod desperately. “Please. I need you there.”
“Of course.”
Skye starts crying a second later, and my shoulders tense. Maya notices and runs her hand over my shoulder. “It’s okay,” she says gently. “Go see her.”
There’s an aggressive pulse behind my eyes as I shake my head.
“The alcohol isn’t in your system anymore, Finn. I trust you.”
I release a harsh breath. “I can’t.”
Maya moves herself from the bed and reaches down into Skye’s cot to soothe her.
“I think she wants her daddy to look after her.” She strokes her hair and beckons me over. “Come on, Finn. You’re okay, she’s okay. Nothing is going to happen.”
I manage to push myself up from the bed as Maya holds Skye out towards me. For a moment, I hesitate, but she encourages me with a bright expression. I take our daughter into my arms and hold her close to my bare chest before trying to calm her down.
“Oh, baby,” I whisper. “I’ve got you.”
Maya shuffles closer as Skye begins to settle, and her cries stop for a moment. “See.” She grins. “Told you she wanted her dad.”
I place my hand under her bum and hold her close. “She definitely needs changing and feeding.”
Maya hums as she runs her finger down Skye’s cheek. “Probably, but she loves you. Sheneedsyou.”
And as I stare down at the most perfect being, I know it, too. Skye needs a dad who is present and responsible. She stares up at me with her big brown eyes, and I melt like I do every time.
Last night could have ended very differently, and I’m glad it didn’t. I’m glad I somehow stopped myself after the first drink when usually it’s impossible. Probably because I never used to feel guilty for it. This time, that’s all I felt.
There was everything on the line, and I regretted it as soon as I knocked the drink back. I might have wanted another, but I want change more. And I can’t be the deadbeat dad who chooses alcohol over his family.
“I love you,” I whisper before kissing her forehead. “Let’s change that nappy.”
