You didn’t want us.
“No.” I shake my head as tears leak from my eyes without permission. “That is not true.”
I punch the steering wheel over and over, anything to give me the satisfaction of pain because I deserve it. Hell, I deserve a lotworse, but hatred for myself rockets through me, and I have no other way to release these horrific demons.
Otherwise, I’ll end up drinking, and I can’t go back there.
Maya went through her pregnancy alone, the birth alone, the first moments of our baby alone.
I wasn’t there. Fuck. I wasn’t there.
When I arrive back at the house after a journey I don’t remember, my tears have dried on my cheeks, and my eyes burn like I’ve been punched. I wish I had.
I stand from my car on wobbly legs, my chest feeling numb and my head heavy. It takes me a while to fumble with the lock and my keys, but once it opens, I shove myself into the door. The first thing I hear is laughter and cheering, and everything inside me turns to cement.
They’re playing games together in the living room, and I’d rather not be around them right now. I can’t pretend everything is fine when it’s the opposite.
I shut the door behind me when I hear, “Finn?”
My eyes ache as I flick them towards the hall where the living room is. I don’t even know what to do with myself. What do I do from here?
How do I convince Maya to let me into their life after what I’ve caused?
Because she won’t. She doesn’t even believe I’m sober.
And fuck. I’d kill for a drop right now.
I pound the wall with my fist and curse. This is exactly what she’s talking about, and I can’t even blame her. I can’t be drunk around our baby. I can’t put either of them in danger like that.
“Finn?” I hear JJ’s voice again, and I attempt to catch my breath.
Footsteps echo down the hall, and then JJ is right in front of me, pressing a hand to my shoulder. “Hey.” He dips his head. “What’s going on?”
I raise my head as his eyes flick over my face.
“Are you drunk?”
“No,” I choke out.
“What’s happened?” he demands, louder this time.
I press a hand to the centre of my chest, but everything is far too tight. My breathing is choppy and irregular, and fuck, I’m suffocating. JJ takes my hand and opens the door, and the fresh air whips me in the face.
“Breathe, brother,” he instructs. “Slowly. Look at me. Finn, look at me.”
My gaze lands on him, and I take in his face.
“Tell me what you had for lunch today.”
His question throws me off, and I frown. “What?” I heave.
“Tell me,” he says.
I open my mouth to suck in another breath over and over. “I-I had pasta.”
“What kind?”
My eyes narrow at him, but he focuses on me. “I don’t know,” I tremble. “The good kind.”
