“I won’t be on the birth certificate.” I throw a hand in the air.
“That’s beside the point.” He shakes his head adamantly. “You’re still the father. You have the right to see your child if you want to.”
My nose tingles. “But I don’t just want to see Skye. I want Maya, too, and that’s why I was trying to stay away because I didn’t want to drag her down, but then I missed out on the first few months with my daughter, and supporting Maya. That’s unforgivable.”
“It doesn’t have to make perfect sense right now, okay? I know how much you care for Maya, and you took a step away from her because you love her.”
I choke out a laugh void of any humour. “She probably thinks I did it on purpose, and that fucking guts me, JJ. She went through everything alone, and I allowed her to.”
“Then you have a lot to make up for, hm? You’re sober, and your priorities have changed.”
JJ’s eyes are open and honest, and everything I need at this moment. No judgement. No shouting. Real advice that I’ve needed to hear from the very beginning, when I bottled everything up, which only hurt me in the process.
“You think you’re a mess, but you’re not,” he carries on. “You think you don’t deserve love and happiness, but you do. Stop punishing yourself, Finn, stop self-sabotaging, and make a difference instead of moping around. You want Maya, you want your baby, so do something about it. Be the man that they deserve and nothing less.”
I swallow as I take in his words. He’s right, I have been self-sabotaging because it’s easy to spiral and send yourself into a deep pit of overthinking when you believe there’s nothing going for you.
“Do you think I can do it?” I ask, voice wobbling.
JJ nods with determination written all over his expression. “Of course you can. You made Maya fall for you once, now it’s time to make up for your mistakes and do better.”
“And what if she doesn’t want me back?”
He sighs. “Then you might have to accept the reality that it’s over, and all that ties you together is your daughter.”
At least he’s being honest,I think to myself.
And as much as that possibility hurts, I was the one who walked away from her in the first place. I should never have done it. I should have stayed. I should have fought for her. But I was a broken man. I still am, but I’m working to fit the pieces back together.
JJ sits with me for a while until I try and wrap my head around everything, but I doubt it’s something I’ll get over today or tomorrow or next week. I need to remember my therapist’s words.One day at a time.
When JJ’s phone starts to ring, he digs it out, and I glance over to find Ivy’s name on the screen. He turns back to me, and I force a smile. “Answer it. I’m good.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, go.”
JJ stands and walks back into the house. “Hey, princess. You okay?”
I’m internally grimacing at the nickname he gives her, but I can’t be bitter about it forever. Maybe I’m bitter because things worked out for them, and I’m yet to know what my future holds.
My head is one fucked up place.
I draw my phone from my pocket and bring up my last messages to Maya. There are a few awful texts from when I got drunk over the summer and decided it would be a good idea to tell her how I felt—not knowing she was probably pregnant and about to give birth.
“Jesus Christ,” I hiss to myself and allow my head to fall onto my fist.
After a few moments, I hold my phone between my hands and let my thumbs hover over the screen.
Finn:
I’m so so sorry
I know I said awful things to you, but I am not that guy anymore
I want to do better
For you, and for our baby
