I started getting face-to-face therapy a few weeks ago. The online sessions just weren’t cutting it, and now I’ve become comfortable with Samuel, it’s allowed the weight on my shoulders to lift a little.
I press the tip of my ankle to my knee. “I received a good grade today.”
“That’s great. Congratulations,” he says genuinely. “How did that make you feel?”
“Relieved,” I admit, noticing my chest doesn’t feel as tight anymore. “That I’m not actually bad at this life stuff.”
“You think you’re bad at life stuff?”
I shrug as I ponder my next words. “I think I’m a bad father.”
Samuel studies me. “Why do you think that?”
“Because I wasn’t there,” I huff and glance at the wall. “You know this.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re a bad father, Finn.”
“Then what does it mean?”
He leans forward and rests his elbows on his thighs casually. “You were dealing with something traumatic. Silently, too. I know you hold resentment for yourself, but holding onto that negative energy isn’t healthy. What’s important is that you’re focusing on now, today, the moments you’re currently living.”
I stay silent.
“You said before you’re willing to work for Skye and Maya,” he says softly. “And from what you’ve told me, it sounds likeyou’re doing just that. You need to give yourself much more credit. Life isn’t easy, but you have proved to me that you’re willing to look forward and focus on what’s important to you right now.”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re clearly working on yourself too by studying, going to university, and giving yourself a chance at a new start in life.”
I chew on my lip. “I just don’t want to fuck up again.”
“I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to worry about things that haven’t happened yet. Focus on the now. Focus on the things that make you happy. Remind yourself how far you’ve come. Okay?”
“Okay,” I whisper.
I haven’t come super far, but I know it’s still a long road to making sure I stay sober not only for myself, but for my family, too. They might not need me, but I need them.
“Let’s talk about your homework for this week,” Samuel says as he sifts through his notebook.
I headover to Maya’s house for the evening. Maya gave me a key for emergencies, and I don’t want to disturb her if she’s sleeping or catching up on university work.
So I place the key into the lock and step inside. I’m met with Maya, Jade, and Alice sitting together on the sofas. “Maya, you have to go. You deserve a night out,” Jade expresses.
I clear my throat, not wanting to eavesdrop on their conversation. Three pairs of eyes flick towards me, and I wave awkwardly.
“Hey,” I say.
Maya stands up and walks towards me. “Hey.”
“Sorry, I didn’t know you’d have company. Should I go?”
“No.” Her hand shoots out to grasp my wrist. “They just popped in.”
“Okay.”
“Hey, Finn,” Jade and Alice say at the same time.
“Hey. How are you guys?”
