So, between my aching, sensitive body and Julian’s elusiveness, I’m not the best company.
It’s probably best that he’s acting this way, all things considered. I don’t trust myself right now, and if I were to jump him in this state, I know the guilt would kill me the next morning.
But I miss seeing his face. Even just in passing, when I’d run into him on his way to help Abigail get ready in the morning, or when he’d bring me tea as I stood in the back courtyard watching the Pacific.
I’m lounging in the library again, reading one of the novels I was gifted for Christmas, when my younger sister comesbarreling in, her pink, flowy dress slapping against her ankles as she jumps up and onto the chaise to sit next to me.
“Hi, Atty,” she says. “I barely see you.”
I offer her a small smile, shifting slightly to keep our arms from touching. I’m in that stage of a flare-up where every brush of someone else’s skin against my own sends a zap down my spine, and nothing is worse than receiving that sensation from a family member.
“Sorry, my star. I haven’t been feeling well,” I admit, and she nods sadly. I hate that expression.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Would you like me to read to you?”
“Yes, please!” She beams, settling back into the cushion behind her as she tucks her feet beneath herself to match my own stance.
As she does so, I can’t help but ask her what I’ve wanted to ask for the past few days. “Um, Abigial? Where is Julian today?”
It’s a Saturday, so he doesn’t technically have to work. A part of me feels bad for roping Abigail into my drama with the attendee, but she would be the one to ask.
Well, her and Jeremy Walsh, and I’m definitely not asking him.
“Julie is going to see his friends in town,” she states. “They’re having a late Christmas party.”
“Oh, that’s fun,” I reply casually.
“Yeah! And on New Year’s Eve, his friends from California are coming here to meet them,” she informs me.
His friends from California?I didn’t know he had any, though the news isn’t shocking. But I am surprised they’re making the trip, considering the distance.
“And how do you know all of this?”
Abigail’s face flushes, and she turns her gaze away from me.
“Uh,” she starts. “I may have overheard a phone call or two.”
“Abigail,” I chastise. “Eavesdropping is not something a proper young lady does.”
“I know! But I wanted to know if he’d be here for New Year’s Eve.”
I can’t fault her. Not when I would have done the same, given the chance. And now I have to sit on the knowledge that Julian is out with his friends, probably drinking and having a grand old time. I wonder ifCassiewill be there.
I fucking hate her. The moment I heard her name, I knew it’d mean trouble for me. If not only for the simple fact that jealousy is an evil, cruel thing, and I find it impossibly unfair that some girl from town gets to taste Julian in place of me.
Will he fuck her tonight? Will he get wasted with his new friends and not even return home? Why does it matter to me? I will be in my room, locked away from the world anyway. I might never know.
“Atty? Are you going to read?” Abigail asks, and I startle back to the present.
With a soft smile and brief nod, I reopen the book on my lap and begin to read.
I can worry about all of this later.
I worry about it all day. During a conversation with Atticus, as I stare at the ocean, and even after dinner, as my mother ropes the family into a game of charades.
I try to pretend I’m involved and interested, but I’m certain that everyone can see that I’m not.
