“You guys don’t think it’s because of Susie, right? I feel guilty, like I ruined our friendship with him because I ghosted his bestie.” Kimberly is looking at her hands where they’re wrapped around her mug, her brows furrowed.
She looks guilty. She shouldn’t; it really has nothing to do with her and everything to do with… well, I’m not really sure. Partially us, I’m guessing.
Us as in Cassie and me.
Cassie recovers, once again smiling brightly in that pleasant, beautiful girl-next-door way that she does.
“I’m sure he’s just busy! Working at Chastain can be a lot, I’m sure,” she reassures.
Neither of us told the group about our last visit with Julian. It’s too… incriminating.
Guilt begins to swallow me whole, the way it did when we first befriended him; the way it did at the New Year’s party.
“You’re right.” Kimberly sighs, sounding defeated. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“What’s nothing?” Michael asks, returning to his seat with his cinnamon roll and his coffee.
“Why Julian isn’t coming around anymore,” Kimberly explains.
“Oh, I saw him the other day!” Michael chirps. “He was with the middle Chastain kid… Atlas, I think? I saw them at the grocery store.”
“Was his brother there?” Cassie asks, her voice betraying her with its urgency.
Michael doesn’t seem to notice, only saying, “Nah. It was just the two of them. But he looked super happy, and Atlas was smiling too. The last time I saw him—what, years ago?—he wasnotin a smiling mood. Maybe Julian is a good influence on him.”
Flashes of Julian pressed firmly to the length of Atlas’s body, his hands caressing his skin and his mouth devouring the other man’s flashes through my head.
When Atticus pulled us up to the top of the west tower, we barged in on amoment. A very hot, intimate moment. I didn’t know Julian swung that way, let alone for sweet-looking boys like Atlas Chastain.
Not that I know much about Julian in the first place. I never bothered to learn much past the basics—he was never meant to be permanent.
Guilt knots my stomach once again.
“Well, anyway,” Hailey cuts in, doing her best to lighten the mood. “How is the new job, Kim?”
“It’s great! I’m actually really excited to…”
I tune Kimberly’s voice out as I stare at my latte, thoughts of Chastain Castle and Julian twisted into one in my mind.
I’ve never considered myself a particularly selfless person, but as time has passed and I’ve turned intothis—I guess I’m disappointed to know that I’m not inherently kind either.
I just…am. I exist solely to survive the next calamity, to use whoever and whatever I need to to grasp what I believe is mine on principle alone.
Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad on its own, but the hurt I’ve caused in the name of self-preservation feels like a hateful addition.
In an attempt to preserve my claim on someone potentially crueler yet more beautiful than me, I have sunk even lower. I have become something I do not recognize; something that I hate.
I’m lost in these thoughts for the remainder of our hangout session at Ground Central. In fact, I catch none of the conversation happening around me until the others begin to stand, and I register Hailey as she says,
“Well, I’m off then. I’ll see everyone soon?”
A few goodbyes are shared, and we exit the coffee shop with Kimberly and Michael racing to their cars, on their way to a family event, and Hailey off to do god knows what.
As I unlock the driver’s side door of my Mustang, Cassie approaches, a distant sadness in her eyes.
“Hey,” she starts, her blue eyes darting from my face to her own hands several times as she gathers the courage to say whatever she plans to spew next. “Have you heard from Atticus since… since that night?”
My blood runs cold.
