Thinking of him makes me think of Cassie, and the urge to call her up and apologize for my attitude yesterday is strong. She may be my accomplice in this fucked up situation we concocted, but she’s still my best friend.
She didn’t know that I was falling in love with him. She didn’t know what he meant to me and why I reacted the way I did. As far as Cassie is concerned, I shit-talked the guy she liked and pissed him off so badly that she lost her chance, and I lost my friend.
But I didn’t losemy friend.I lost my safe space, my dictator, my hope.
And it makes me sick. It makes me vicious. Cassie is just unfortunate enough to land on the receiving end of my vile outbursts more often than not, and for that, I truly do feel guilty.
As I pull into the parking lot in front ofOrford Auto Repairand head inside, I feel a bit lighter.
Being here and doing the work I do gives me a sense of purpose. Of satisfaction. In the past few years, I’ve learned a lot of interesting things, like how to work on an engine and how to change brake pads.
It makes me feel confident—for the first time in my life, something other than rigorous workouts is making me feelfulfilled.
“Hey, Cam,” Uncle Danny greets me from where he’s standing by the rolling garage door.
It’s pulled open, leaving space for cars to pull up for servicing. Several other mechanics are already here, including Henry—Grace’s ex-boyfriend and an all-around decent guy.
He gives me a small wave as Uncle Danny pats my back.
“Morning,” I reply, taking in the work around me. “What’s on the schedule for the day?”
“Well, right now we have a lady with a flat tire, and in an hour we’ve got more body work for Mr. Jenkins. Oh, and after three we’ve got an oil change.”
I nod along to Uncle Danny’s spiel. It all seems basic enough, and I’ll probably get off early enough for a long workout tonight, rather than a thirty.
“Sounds good.”
“Alright then,” my uncle says. “Let’s get started.”
The best thing about mechanic work is that it doesn’t involve decision-making. There are only a few ways to correctly fix up a car, and I’ve been taught every single one. It’s mind-numbing work—work that makes sense and follows a very consistent pattern.
This eliminates anxiety and panic, two things I’ve been filled with since I lost the one person who helped get me out of my head. And the two things I was plagued with before him.
Sometimes I wish he had never shown me how good life can be when paired with someone who wants to handle your entire existence for you. And other times I’m so grateful to have experienced it that I can’t even breathe.
If I hadn’t said such hurtful, vile things—if I had been worth more—would I still have that safety net? Would I be held up in Chastain Castle, warm and sated?
There’s no use pondering, but I do it anyway.
I pine, long, and daydream. Every day, all day.
“3 o’clock is here!” Henry shouts on his way to a late lunch, and I wipe my hands on a dirty rag as an old truck pulls into the dock.
One that I recognize for some reason. I’m doing my hardest to sort out this recollection as Julian hops out of the driver’s seat.
As he sees me, a grin overtakes his features, and he heads straight for me.
“I knew you worked here!” Julian says gleefully. “I wasn’t sure you’d be in today.”
I’m frozen, stock still. We haven’t spoken since that night; I haven’t even opened the last few messages he sent Cassie and me.
“Uh, yeah,” I respond slowly, taking in his blue jeans and his gray sweater. His black hair is windblown.
Looking at him, all I can see is how he looked pressed against Atlas, devouring his mouth. A confusing mixture of lust and misery courses through me at the thought.
This is the man I manipulated into friendship, if only to have a chance at redeeming myself to Atticus. This is the man who gets toseeAtticus, day in and day out.
To be fair, when I first invited Julian to Checkers, it truly was out of kindness. But once the secret was out that he was working at Chastain Castle, and Cassie coined ourplan, all of my good intentions faded. I shifted into the darker version of myself, the one who doesn’t hesitate to use others as a stepping stone.
