I never thought he’d fall for a guy like him. I never thought he’d fall for anyone butme. And now I have to move on. I have to leave him be.
It’s cruel. We were each other’s first kiss, firsteverything.
I groan, rolling over on my bed as I stare blankly at the wall.
It’s nearly dinner time, and I’m meant to report to my parents’ house, but I’mtired. I’m sad.
A knock sounds at my bedroom door, and then moments later, Susie barges in.
“You gonna hide all day?” she asks me, placing her hands on her hips as attitude rolls off of her in waves.
“Yes,” I answer shortly.
“Lan, I get it. I miss him too. But—”
“Youdon’tget it, Sue,” I interrupt. “I don’t just miss him; I’m mourning him. Us.”
Susie’s expression softens, her hands slipping from her hips as she sits next to where I lie on the bed. “You’re actually backing off?”
“It’s what he wants. Julian’s clearly into that guy he works for, so I might as well get my head out of my ass and leave him be.”
“I’m proud of you,” she says. “You deserve to be happy too, you know? You need to find someone who loves you, who wants you as desperately asyouwantthem.”
As she speaks, the darkness rolls in. It circles my ankles and climbs steadily up my mattress as I breathe in contaminated air. I normally do so well at ignoring and adapting to the sadness that lives inside of me, but right now, it’s too much to bear.
In the face of what I’ve lost with Julian and the reality that it’s alwaysmewho wants, loves, and craves more than others, I can’t seem to fight off these bad feelings.
It makes me hopeless. It inspires me to fall into the thick darkness inside of me, to soak it up, to drown in it.
What’s the point in continuing the fight against my pointless, baseless misery when I have nothing to fightfor?
If there is no one close enough to me to see inside, to witness the unfolding of the dark and scary things, then why should I care to stop the onslaught?
“Is this why you’ve been moody since we landed?” Susie asks, running her fingertips over my shoulder gently.
“Losing Julian?” I clarify.
Susie rolls her eyes. “You haven’tlosthim, Lan. You’ve both set boundaries; that’s all.”
That’s all.It sounds so simple when she says it. Not that I can blame her; I’ve never let anyone other than my family in on my darkest parts. Susie and Julian have no idea that I battle this part of myself.
Her ignorance to the tidal wave of fresh agony coursing through me is my own fault. How do you explain to your friends that you’re perpetually sad when nothing’s wrong?
Even now, as Idohave something to whine about, this pain doesn’t originate from it. There’s too much to explain, too much to convince her of.
And I’m not brave enough to give them that effort.
“You’re right,” is what I say instead of explaining. As if it’s brought me comfort, as if it quells this feeling inside of me even a little. “I have to get ready for dinner.”
Susie gives me a gentle smile and leaves the room. Silence settles around me, grasping me by the neck and squeezing.
With labored breaths, I get ready to meet my family.
Dinner is going well. Or, as well as it can when surrounded by people who know the deepest depths of your soul and deem them in need of fixing.
I don’t fault my family for seeing the worst parts of me and attempting to stifle them—but Iamtired of hearing their probing.
“You seem sadder today, Landon,” my mother observes, her short brown hair brushing her shoulders and framing our matching green eyes as she stares straight at me.
