“Thanks, Hannah!” I call after her, hearing her responding hum as she slips back out of the room.
I stay safely hidden behind the shower curtain, though I doubt the married woman wants to ogle me anyway.
The hot water is painful against my frostbitten skin, and I know that somewhere else in Chastain Castle, Julian is most likely experiencing the same pain.
I’m happy he’s alive, more for Atlas’s sake than his. The poor boy would have probably shattered. He would have fallen apart. I’m not surewhyJulian decided to jump from the cliff, but he seems relieved to be alive.
I doubt it was an intentional, suicidal move.
I sigh, standing under the showerhead as my skin begins to thaw even further.
Will I tell Landon that his best friend was just brought back to life with my own breath? No. It’s not that I’m concerned for his feelings per se, but more that I refuse to report back to him like a dog.
I owe the man nothing—nothing but what I’ve already promised him. Total and complete destruction. Even if his body gets to me, even if his desire sings to mine.
Despite this—even as I can see clearly in my mind’s eye that I still hold this loathing, this disgust for him—I want to see him again.
I want to fight, to dominate his body, to watch him crumble at my hands. Visions of his bright green eyes, his soft hair, and the firm ridges of his body cloud me even now, as I’m trembling and worn down.
Landon doesn’tdeservethe pleasure I inflict on him, but I do. I deserve as much joy from this life as I can rip from its greedy hands, and if I want to use him as a source in that, I don’t see the issue.
Surely the council can wait just a while. I can probably get away with a month or two if I wanted to, claiming that I’m gathering evidence.
As long as Landon continues to lie low, I should be able to wring a few more pleasurable visits out of him before I rip him to shreds. Permanently.
Landon
11
SUSIE WON’T LEAVE MEalone. She drills me constantly, asking about my whereabouts and why I’m being so distant with her, but I can’t very well tell her the truth, now can I?
How am I meant to explain to her that I’m in a spiral I can’t climb out of? That if I’m not thinking about the good old days when I could just call Julian up for company, and he’d be there, then I’m thinking about the way it felt to be sitting on Nate’s dick, my hole stretched wide and my entire body covered in light as he stared at me hungrily. Angrily.Desperate.
I can’t—I can’t explain this to her. Mostly because I’d then have to explain the darkness I fear I’m sinking into, one long second at a time. And then she’d know about Nate and the revenge I planned.
How I intend to use his body and his soul until he is full of me, only to leave him aching and empty when I go. How I’m enjoying it.
Julian has tried to call me once or twice as well, but I haven’t answered. I’m not ready to hear whatever it is he has to say. I’m not ready for him to tell me I can never speak to him again—or worse—that I’m still hisbest friend.
Can I stomachbest friend?If I see him again, will it kill me?
And this darkness, when will I be able to pinpoint its origin? It’s only heightening every time my phone rings or every time I let my mind wander to that little cottage in Port Orford.
If it hadn’t appeared inside of me so long ago, I would assume it comes from Julian himself, or maybe even Nate. And what’s worse than those two options? The unknown.
Not even my therapist could find a reason. Clinically depressed, just because.
But I did feel good, not that long ago. At Nate’s house, where I was able to speak so freely and act on impulse. Where I didn’t hide a single fleeting emotion. Maybe it comes from hating him; from not caring what he thinks or how he feels. But it’sfreeing.
I miss it already. The ability to just beLandon, all while getting my rocks off and luring him right into my trap.
Could I be an evil genius? Potentially.
But he has to work for it. Or rather, wait for it. If I’m too speedy with my plan, he could catch on. Nate isn’tstupid, even if he is an idiot. I guess I can fly to Oregon again in a few weeks? I’m sure that’s enough time.
Until then, Ihaveto stop thinking about it. It’s making everything else feel… harder.
It’s a reminder that I’ve never been truly myself, not even with Julian. And seeing how he eyes that Atlas kid and his sweet, angelic nature tells me I made the right call. Julian never would have loved this side of me. The side that is desperate for a fight, for an argument.
