“You’re leaving again?” she asks, lifting her head to meet my gaze as she makes her morning oatmeal.
“Yeah. I leave in a few hours; I got a last-minute flight.” It’s pretty easy to do when the cost of a plane ticket is pocket change.
Susie sighs, placing her spoon back in the bowl as she turns to face me fully. “Tell me what’s going on, Lan. You’ve been nearly bipolar the past few weeks, and now you’re disappearing again.”
“Again? I haven’t left in a few weeks,” I grumble, plopping down at the dining room table. I can tell this will be a tedious conversation.
“Iknowyou. Something’s wrong.”
But she doesn’t, not really. She doesn’t know about the black swirling in my chest, something that only recedes when I’m with Nate.
Something I thought being a designated bottom would fix, but it turns out I was wrong. It’s he who makes the demons run, keeping them at bay.
But… why?
“All you do is go to the gym, lie around the house, and disappear on the weekends,” she adds. “It’s like you don’t have an interest in the world.”
I feel like I’m drowning in this moment because not only is she right on this account, but it scares me. Idon’thave an interest in the world. Not in a career, not in a relationship, and not in a future.
Everything could keep on passing right by me, and I wouldn’t even bother to lift my gaze to see it.
But how do I explain this to Susie, who has never seen the darker parts of me? How do I explain it toanyone?
“I just like being alone,” I tell her. And it’s true.
Well, outside ofoneperson. One person who should be here right now.
Does this mean… No. I still hate him, right?
“But it’s not good for you,” Susie complains. “You need your friends. You need interaction. What are you flying out for, anyway?”
“I’m going on a solo vacation,” I lie.
I don’t add that I can’t lean on my friends right now because I’m hiding from them. From her.
When you spend so much time wallowing in a sadness you can’t explain, it becomes hard to be around people who will ask about it. It’s hard towantto be around them.
The only person I can stomach is Nate, because thereisno sadness with him. Just pleasure, anger, and mind-numbing bliss.
“There truly is nothing wrong,” I try to assure her. “I just need some space.”
Susie is eyeing me hard, obviously not believing a single lie coming out of my mouth. But she does love me, this much I can tell, because she just sighs again and goes back to finishing her oatmeal.
“Alright,” she concedes. “I’ll let you handle this alone. Just know I’m here, alright? And so is Julie. You should call him.”
I expect that common feeling of misery, the one that feeds off of my own darkness to overcome me at the mention of Julian’s name, but it doesn’t.
Ever since Nate told me that he and Atlas were officially seeing each other, I’ve sort of… resigned myself. I’ve given up.
“Thank—” My words die off as my phone begins to ring, flashing my father’s name. “I have to take this. I’ll see you when I get home tomorrow, alright?”
Susie grumbles, giving me some kind of acknowledgement as I flee the kitchen and lock myself in my bedroom. I can’t get my lies mixed up.
“Hey, Dad.” As I finally answer his call, I’m breathless, sitting on the edge of my bed as I speak in a low voice.
“Landon,” he greets. “You off to see Julian again?”
“Yeah, just for the night.”
