“No! You’re horrible, Nathaniel. So fucking—”
“I thought you liked it. I thought you wanted the anger and the fighting. Isn’t that why you got payback? Why you’re so bratty? Because you want someone to care enough about you that they’d put you in your place?”
All of the fight drains out of me, and I sag in his arms, my whole body thumping with anger and fear. Is that what this is? Do I want him tocareabout me? I don’t even like him!
So why…
“What’s happening here?” Nate asks, his voice just as quiet as it’s been since I tried to leave.
It’s calming me, bringing me down to his level.
“I don’t know.” I don’t let my words show him what I’m feeling now, keeping them angry and demanding even as I’m giving him this truth. I really, honestly do not know what’s happening.
Suddenly, the room gets brighter, and as I turn my head toward the window, I see those beautiful little stars of his taking up the air above our heads.
“Shh,” Nate murmurs, “just watch the stars. It’ll be okay. Everything’s alright.”
I melt further into him, feeling his big hands rub circles over my chest as my heart rate slows and my breathing evens out. The stars are twinkling, dancing and singing for me. He’s giving me this comfort, this light.
“I just… I just wanted to punish you too,” I tell him, and it sounds scarily close to a whimper as I crumble in his arms.
Nate nods, his chin bumping into the top of my head. “I hear you. You did well, sweet Lanny. You got me. I never would have expected it.”
“I didwell?But you said you hate me. That I’m horrible and undeserving.”
Nate sighs, turning me in his arms to give me a hard, unwavering look. “I was just overwhelmed. That’s all.”
“So you don’t hate me?” I ask, and I’m honestly not sure what response I want.
He thinks long and hard, his eyes searching mine before he finally says, “I don’t know.”
And that’s enough. For some reason, I can stomach that. As the stars twinkle above us, with his hard, spent body pressed to mine, I think I can live with this.
“Come to bed,” he tells me, guiding me gently toward the mattress. “Let’s just sleep.”
But I don’t want to sleep. I’m battling my desire to hear so many nice things leave his mouth and my need to get into a violent fist fight, right here.
Everything inside of me is so twisted, so mixed up that I can’t tell up from down as I stare into his honey eyes. I just wanted the darkness to go away. I wanted a nice, satisfying struggle to guide me through the hard times and distract me from going home.
“This isn’t what was supposed to happen,” I admit, backing away from the bedandhim. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“Then what did you want?” Nate presses. “Did you want me to cry and beg for forgiveness?”
“No,” I blurt, meeting his gaze as confusion takes hold of me. “Not that.”
“Did you want to fight? Do you want me to try to hit you, to bring you to the ground?”
“I… I don’t know,” I force out, and panic begins to climb up my throat again while taking in his matching desperation for this situation to be fixed. “I just… I needed to… Nate?”
I’m floundering. My skin feels hot and achy, and my heart won’t stop pounding. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by how deeplyI can feel each joint in my body, how my own movements are far too controlled andmine.
“What’s wrong with you?” Nate demands, taking a step closer to me. “Why are you… fuck, are you panicking?”
Iam, and his freaking out over it is making it worse.
“I’m drowning,” I gasp out, and I don’t think I’ve ever been this vulnerable with someone before. I’m experiencing firsthand the effects of his forcing me into submission. I’mopening upto him. “I can’t breathe.”
Nate takes another step, eyeing me like one would a wounded animal.
