To my surprise,Bea is far more accommodating than I ever expected. By noon, I’m in a rental driving to the address she gave me.
It’s an apartment complex. It’s nice. More than nice, honestly. There’s a pool, tennis courts, and sidewalks filled with lots of people walking dogs and pushing strollers. It looks like a safe, quiet neighborhood. As much as it pains me to look around and see the life that she’s been living here without me, I’m at least relieved to know she’s been in a good place. All I’ve ever wanted,besides having her to myself, is for her to be happy.
1702. That’s her apartment number, and I’m parked outside her unit. I have nothing planned. I don’t know what I’m going to do, what I’m going to say. I need a minute to gather myself. I turn the air conditioning up but then open the sun roof a moment later. The heat is stifling, but I also feel like I need the outside air to breathe. My insides are a wreck; this whole thing is surreal. I can’t believe I’m actually here. Is she going to be pissed? Probably. Fuck, this is stupid. She left for a reason. I need to just accept the fact that she moved on and she’s not mine anymore. I’m an idiot. I have to get out of here. I place my head back on the headrest, slapping my palms over closed eyes and breathe deeply.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Tears stab the back of my eyes as the song that comes on the radio flows through me, smacking my heart in the process. “The Freshmen,” the song that was playing the first time I told her I loved her. What the hell is this twisted kind of fate?
Then it happens.
It’s like a movie, and everything is happening in slow motion, with our song in the background nonetheless. I look up and the car coming to a stop directly in front of me…is her.
Sunglasses cover her beautiful blue eyes and her shoulder-length hair, much shorter than I remember, blows in the wind from her rolled-down windows.
I hold my breath and completely freeze, waiting for her to look up and see me.
Look up, Johnnie. I’m here. I came for you…because you’re still my everything, and I’m done living without you.
She doesn’t, though. Her attention directs to the black truck pulling in on the other side of the parking lot. She rolls the windows up and opens her door. There’s a man, a man that looks a whole hell of a lot like Gar—Greg from the picture I saw on Nan’s counter. He starts walking toward her as she gets out of her blue Toyota. She’s standing behind her open car door when he reaches her, arms outstretched. He wraps them around her.
I want to storm out of this fucking car, rip him away from her, and smash his head into the pavement. I’m imagining doing just that, when they pull apart and he grabs her door, shutting it as Johnnie reaches up and pulls her hair into a messy bun, like I’ve seen her do so many times. When the door closes and I get a look at all of her, something smacks me, hits my chest with so much impact I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to recover. It’s grief. Grief hits me at the sight of her stomach. She’s wearing a tight, stretchy tank top and matching shorts, with a zip-up sweatshirt that’s undone. The round shape of her middle is undeniable. She’s not real far along, but enough to make it clear that what I think I’m seeing is real. The grief that struck me remains and it weighs heavy, making each breath I take feel like work. It’s the kind of torment that turns memories into armor and moments in time into reminders of what’s lost.
Any remaining hope washes away with the sudden raindrops that are now falling from the sky. I can’t move. I sit here, getting soaked, for I don’t know how long before I finally close the sunroof and drive away. Drive away from the love of my life, once and for all. Every beat that my heart makes feels like something trying to escape my chest, and I know in this moment, from here on out, that when it beats, it will do so more cautiously than ever before.
I stick aroundin this hotel room for the next couple days, staring at the wall and knocking over empty pizza boxes. I have to go back home, but I just want to sulk for a while. I want to be pissed and question every single thing about my life up to this point. I’ll never love anyone the way I love her, but maybe someday I’ll find someone good enough to dull the pain, just a fraction.
I just have to make one more stop before I leave. And apparently that stop is in a medical building downtown. Greg Sherwood. Thanks to an internet search, I found him right away. He’s a nurse at this hospital I’m currently stalking.
I sit in the parking lot like a complete fool, just watching as people go in and out. I see his truck, the same black shiny one from the spot my life shattered a few days ago. I just want to catch him on his way out. I’m not absolutely heartless, this man works here and I can’t guarantee this is going to be a friendly meeting, I don’t want to cause a scene. When the thirty-third person makes their way out of the building and into the parking lot—I know it’s thirty-three because I’ve counted every single one—he appears.
My blood boils and my heart kick-starts and takes off at a manic pace as I ball my fists and exit my car. With each stomp of my boot-clad feet on the blacktop, the tension inside me winds tighter and tighter until I’m within reaching distance of his back. He drops something, and it smacks the ground directly in front of me. Bending down to pick it up, it gives me an easy opening and removes any indecision over how to approach him.
“Excuse me, you dropped something.” The wind picks up and blows his lanyard up and over his shoulder as he turns around.
“Thank you,” he says as he reaches out and takes the laminated card from my hand, clipping it back onto the lanyard that he’s now adjusting around his neck. I catch a glimpse of the word “pediatrics” and notice there’s a Mickey Mouse pin attached to the collar of his scrubs.
“Pediatrics?”
“That’s right. I’ve been a peds nurse here for five years. It’s the most rewarding job in the world.” He absolutely beams with pride, and even though I want to hate him, he just radiates goodness. I kind of hate it. Iwantto hate this guy. I’m staring at him like a complete asshat when he awkwardly speaks up again. “Well, thanks again, I’ve got to get going. Big evening planned. Wish me luck.”
“Uh, good luck?”
“I’m proposing to the woman of my dreams tonight. Well, we’re actually already engaged, but I completely dropped the ball the first time, so I’m surprising her with a big production. She deserves the best.”
Damn right, she does.
This trip to Texas keeps kicking me when I’m down and making sure to stomp on me while I’m there.
He gives me a strange look, but remains smiling as I just stare deep into his eyes, trying to figure him out. She deservesnothing less than the best. There’s only one thing I can manage to enunciate.
“Do you love her?”
Greg, Gary—I can’t remember—smiles wide, like a kid on Christmas.
“More than anything in the world.”
I nod and start backing away. “Take care of her.”
