And god…it’s heavy.
Scrubbing soap everywhere I can reach, I pray it removes the confusion. I close my eyes and attempt to let the water carry away the hurt, rinse the anger down the drain.
For a moment, it’s enough.
Just enough to breathe.
Reaching out, I turn the handle, water cutting off abruptly. I step out, grab a towel, and wrap it around myself.
When I open the door to step into the bedroom, wisps of white escape into the dark room, lit only by the small nightlight plugged in on the wall. For a second my heart stutters, thinking she left. But then I see the faint outline of her hair draped on a pillow. I step up beside her, lift the covers and let the towel fall to the floor as I slide in beside my girl. Cool sheets are a nice reprieve to my scalded skin.
And when I reach out to wrap an arm around her, pulling her in close, her hair pokes and tickles my face. Sitting up, I blindly reach down, running a hand along her arm until I find what I’m looking for. The hair tie that’s always around her wrist. Pulling it off, I tell her to sit up and she does. I gather all her hair the best I can. I’m no expert, but I wrap it up to the best of my ability in the tie and press a kiss to her temple.
We both lie back down, legs intertwined, wrapped in each other like we always used to be. My arm wraps around her middle, pulling her tight to me without hesitation, and her hand finds mine like it belongs there, like it always has. Our fingers lace together, quiet and certain. Our breathing slowly evens out,the tension of the day easing just enough for sleep to start creeping in. An inevitable slumber.
Then I hear her.
So quiet I almost miss it.
“I still have mine, too.”
My brow furrows against the dark.Huh?
“The beer tab.”
Her words are gentle and unexpected. They cut through the heaviness, the hurt, the chaos of the day, replaced with something softer.
Something resembling a memory trying to reach for us. Clawing at reality, begging for us to remember.
CHAPTER 41
johnnie
THEN
There’s nothing,absolutely nothing, that could convince me I’m a decent person.
A life was growing inside of me, and all I wanted was for it to go away.
Every fiber of my being wanted that baby to belong to Collins, and yet, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make myself believe it was. I knew deep down, in that place you can’t lie to, I knew it belonged to Lee.
Lee.
I can’t even think his name without my heart sinking, without everything inside me drowning under the weight of it. Rational thoughts don’t stand a chance.
Carrying a reminder of the worst night of my life, the idea of looking into those eyes forever felt impossible. Unbearable.
It was like I was crawling inside my own skin, desperate to escape it. Disgusted by the girl staring back at me in the mirror.Repulsed by every inch of who I’d become. And now that there is no baby, I can honestly say I don’t feel much different.
If anything, it’s worse.
I think even my relentless mother has given up on me. I’ve become a shell of the person I was, only fragments of Johnnie exist now. And although my parents have tried, there’s only so much you can do to help a person if they don’t want to be better.
I don’t.
They live in their own personal hell unless they decide to climb their way out.
I won’t be climbing.
