I trusted him, dammit, and he’d let me keep thinking he was faithful.
I was angry too. Livid, in fact. My fury only added to my hurt. I didn’t hate anyone, but I sure as heck hated him for what he’ddone. Betrayal burned like battery acid under my skin. He’d lied and snuck around, and he’d ruined us.
Instead of acting like an adult by coming clean and talking to me about his attraction to Amanda, he’d deceived me. He’d shattered my trust in him.
I shifted, sitting forward so I could get up, creep out, and make myself an espresso. I was going to need it. Today had the potential to go sideways even more dramatically than yesterday had.
The chair creaked.
Hannah snuffled. She was waking.
I shifted my focus, moving achingly slowly to silently pour the powdered formula into the bottle of water. There was no hiding the noise it made when I shook it, but she didn’t make another sound. After I placed it into the warmer, I craned my neck to peer into the crib. I winced as my muscles pinched, but I didn’t dare stand or get any closer in case the twelve-month-old baby girl in my care startled.
“Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,” Hannah babbled, and my heart broke.
Tears stung my eyes, and I bit my lip to stop my sob from escaping. I steeled myself for her reaction when she saw me instead of her mom.
Knowing I was about to hurt her gutted me. Hannah was going to experience the soul-deep heartbreak she’d lived through last night all over again. The only person in the world she wanted was the one who couldn’t be there for her.
Hannah rolled over and pushed herself up onto her hands and knees, rocking back and forth. Her cute little bottom was high in the air as she tried to push herself up to her feet. She was close to being able to stand if she wasn’t already. It occurred to me that I didn’t even know if she’d started walking yet.
“Good morning, sweet Hannah,” I murmured quietly, watching as she looked around for her mom before plopping onto her bottom and reaching up.
“Your mommy loved you. I know she would give anything to still be here with you.”
Hannah turned to me, and I marveled at her big brown eyes and those long eyelashes. Her black curly hair was a mess, plastered against her face on one side, and on the other, the curls were bouncy but knotted. She was utterly adorable.
I watched the confusion play out on her face and kept murmuring to her, talking about her mom. She looked around for her, clearly recognizing the word and at the same time seeming to assess her unfamiliar environment.
“Will you let me pick you up and change your diaper, sweet girl?” I asked quietly and held my hands out for her.
Hannah’s face crumpled. “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,” she wailed, getting louder with each repetition. There was a frantic edge to her voice that shattered my heart into a million pieces.
“I know, baby girl. I know it hurts. I’m so sorry you’ve lost her. I’ve got you,” I whispered, my tears spilling over as I watched helplessly as Hannah’s panic set in. Her face turned red, and her cries stole her breath. Her chest heaved as she inhaled, then coughed her breath out as she cried harder, calling for her mom over and over again.
I picked her up and tried to hold her close. But Hannah didn’t want me touching her. She squirmed and threw her head back, shoving against my chest as she tried to pull herself out of my arms.
Her wails turned to screams, and her face reddened more as fat tears rolled down her ruddy cheeks.
“I’m so sorry, Hannah,” I soothed. I was speaking in a calming voice while my shattered heart lay at my feet. I sniffed, and tears ran down my cheeks, matching hers. I kept speaking, lettingHannah know she wasn’t alone and trying to get her used to my voice. I held fast as I slid the closet door open with my foot and laid Hannah down on the change table. The colorful butterfly mobile Si had hung above it for our last foster baby did nothing to distract Hannah from her cries.
“I know you want your mommy. I know it hurts, sweetheart. I know you’re scared, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I promise, you aren’t alone. I’ll keep you safe, and I’ll love you. I’ll look after you, sweet girl. It’ll be you and me together, okay?” I asked, knowing Hannah wasn’t going to answer. “She’s looking down on you right now, wishing she could be here for you.”
I rested my hand on her belly, and the swell of the wet diaper rose under my wrist. “Let’s get you changed. We’ll get you out of these wet clothes,” I added.
Hannah’s chest expanded under my hand, and my ears rang as she cried harder, screaming for her mom.
“I’ve got you, sweetheart. Let it out. I know it hurts.”
My giddiness after our caseworker’s call last night sat heavy in my heart this morning. Si wasn’t the only person I’d thought about in the depths of a black, moonless night. Hannah had been on my mind too. My happiness had been replaced with an innate need to protect this little girl against any more pain. I would be there for her for as long as I could. Getting her through this with as little devastation as possible seemed like an impossible feat, but I had to try.
four
Brayden
Ten months later
“Yes, that’s it. Fuck me harder,” Mila moaned far too loudly. Her hands were curled around the metal shelving unit that held bottles of multicolored chemicals.
