But I couldn’t get it back.
My breaths came faster and turned choppy.
My muscles fired, tensing with every stroke of Brayden’s fingertips along my sides and Spencer’s lips and tongue on my back.
“Babe, you okay?” Spencer murmured, his lips pressed against my hip.
I didn’t know what was wrong. I wanted this. I wanted to be with them this way. But I couldn’t. There was something holding me back. It was a roadblock I couldn’t get past. But why? I wanted them. As much as I shouldn’t, I definitely wanted them. But maybe I wasn’t ready to take both at the same time. Maybe it was stupid—having sex with first Spencer, then Brayden was no different to doing it simultaneously—but it was different to me. I needed to get over it. I wanted this. Didn’t I?
I nodded, answering Spencer’s question, then shook my head as my muscles vibrated with tension.
Spencer shifted immediately, crawling off Brayden’s legs. He laid down next to me and rested his hand on my hip. It was the only point of contact between us. Shame burned a hole in my gut, tears pricking my lids. I should have been able to do this.
“Hey,” Brayden soothed. He carded his fingers through my hair and pressed a kiss to my temple. “It’s okay if y’all’ve changed your mind.”
“I haven’t,” I whispered. It was easier to say the words without looking at them; I didn’t want to see the disappointment of my failure on their faces. “I don’t know what’s wrong. Maybe it’s that I don’t know if I can take both of you at the same time.”
“Okay, that’s off the table, then,” Spencer said immediately, and the weight was lifted off my shoulders. Wasn’t he upset? Wasn’t that why they were here?
“Are y’all okay with us being here, or did you want us to leave?” Brayden asked, stroking his fingers through my hair again.
“Stay,” I pleaded, not ready for them to leave just yet.
Spencer rested his hand on my hip and stroked me gently. “Did you want us to get dressed? We can just talk, watch a movie…. Whatever you want, Keels. The ball’s in your court.”
I lifted my face and looked at Brayden, then Spencer next to us. “I’m sorry. I… You don’t… want to sleep together anymore?” I asked, stumbling over my words. I closed my eyes, and Simon’s face popped into my mind’s eye. The way he looked at Amanda was burned into my memory. He both adored her and desired her. I wasn’t enough for him. Or maybe I was too much. Too tall, too big, too opinionated, too everything. And it was happening again. My breath hitched and my eyes welled with tears.
Spencer furrowed his brows. His eyes were filled with concern. Brayden wiped my cheeks with his thumbs when my tears fell. Spencer’s touch on my hip was grounding. Steady and safe. “We want you more than anything, Keels. But we won’t fuck this up and pressure you into something you’re not ready for.”
“We want to spend time with y’all, darlin’. That’s all. If there’s sex, then, hell yeah. But if not, we ain’t gonna get all ornery,” Brayden reassured me.
“Oh,” I stuttered.
Spencer looked at me, assessing me for the longest moment. “Did you feel pressured to have sex with your ex?”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about him—not when I was with these two men. “No. But I wasn’t enough to keep him either.” I shrugged, downplaying the impact it had on me.
Brayden shuffled, then eased me down until I was on my back and he was pressed between my legs on top of me. “Your ex was dumber than dogshit and a dick to boot. But y’all, I’m so grateful to him too.” I blinked, taken aback by his statement. ButBrayden continued, “If he wasn’t so fuckin’ stupid, he’d still be holding tight onto y’all, and we wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“Losing you is his loss. You’re a total ten.”
I flushed, my cheeks heating at Spencer’s words.
“Hardly.” I laughed, the sound strained.
“Tell us what you want, Keels,” he begged.
I thought on it for a long moment. This was where I should tell them to leave. To nip this… thing between us in the bud. But I didn’t want to. I may not trust my own judgment, but I knew instinctively that this—what we had experienced—was something special. I didn’t want to walk away from them, especially not after only having had them for this one night.
Finally, I confessed, “I want you to stay. I want this, but I don’t know if I’m ready for… that yet. I’ve never done it before. I’m nervous—”
“Anal’s off the table, then. If you want to explore it another time, then tell us,” Spencer stated simply.
“What about if I want to watch?”
Brayden’s eyes darkened, and Spencer licked his lips. He rolled, pinning Brayden to me. “You wanna see Texas come apart on my dick?”
“Please,” I breathed, then blinked. “I mean—”
