Allen freezes, like a deer in headlights. I let the silence sit. He sinks to the floor next to me, and leans back against the box spring. His head drops against his knees.
"Yeah. I knew it was unethical. I knew I should have got us out of there the second I scented her."
My head snaps towards him as I frown. He lifts his face and stares straight ahead. "No—no. I meant—you knew she'd leave when she found out what we do. What weare."
He sighs. It's bone deep. "I… Seb. Ishouldhave. I thought I would have… but I just didn't pick it. She seemed fine with us being experienced. She wasn't bothered by us testing regularly or needing to check her testing status. She…" He sighs, quietly. "I don't know how I missed it."
He's staring at the same patch of doorframe my eyes have been resting on all day.
"Whydidyou miss it?" My voice is barely a murmur.
"I don't know." His voice cracks.
I stare at him for a few more moments. He doesn't move. I'm not sure that he can.
I push myself off the floor and crawl into bed between James and Clarke. James is asleep, his face distorted by sorrow.
I hold Clarke as his tears seep silently into his pillow, our bond slack and lifeless. Allen remains stationary by the foot of the bed as I wait, impatiently, for sleep to overtake me.
Chapter 26
It took a while to get to sleep last night. Loz stormed out of the Annex, spitting that I should come and see her in the main house when I had my "fucking head on straight." So, once I'd cleaned up the melted ice-cream and spilled chips, I had nothing to distract me from the painful tug in my chest and the swirling thoughts that pulled me into a spiral of panicky guilt.
I think I must have eventually slept. At least, I blinked, and the sun was shining aggressively through the curtains. I glance at my phone to check the time—but it's off.
Oh. Right. I switched it off yesterday, didn't I?
Shit. I hope I haven't missed anything important.
I mentally index everything I needed to cover this week. I'd spoken to Pack X on Friday, who'd confirmed everything was good to go for tomorrow, and I'd confirmed with Ruby that she would be bringing the nesting supplies and energy gels and energy drinks over on Wednesday. And… that's it for the next three weeks, really.
There's a little part of me that knows if I switch on my phone and see that damn Heatseekers app again, I'll break.
I just… I don't think I can face it. Not yet.
My breath shudders. Loz is right. I have to get my head on straight. God, sometimes I hate it when she's right.
I gotta step up.
Put your big girl undies on now, Adeline. Get on with it.
I breathe deeply. I have to give them a choice. I owe them that much, at least.
My phone taps against my chin as my mind swirls. It would be weird to just rock up at their front door—I mean,technicallyI could, from the taxi pickup address, but… that just feels a bit… stalkery?
Yesterday is mostly just a blur—but… oh. That lady by the pool. Johanna. If she doesn't hate me already for taking away her son's choice, maybe she would be willing to give me his number?
I purse my lips. Shower first. Breakfast second. Gut-wrenching dread third. I drop my phone on the bed. Shower first.
I turn on my phone with wet hair, a full belly, and trembling hands. The Heatseekers app is mercifully silent, making me quietly thank former me for muting the app from its constant barrage of spammy alerts.
Just do it already, Adeline. Pull your finger out.
The alert bar tells me I have voicemails from unknown numbers. Whatever. It's probably just another overzealous fan anyway, and Loz's all taken care of—I double checked with Pack X on Saturday. I take a shuddering breath, and tap on my contacts app. I scroll to J.
Nothing. Frowning, I flick the scrollbar up and down. But there are no new entries.
I run a hand down my face. What little courage I'd managed to gather is quickly being replaced with disappointment. But… I'm sure I saw her add her number and hit save.
