James stares at me. "Did you only try to talk to us again because you felt guilty?"
My eyes drop to the floor. "No!"
"Does it bother you that we've worked in heat support?"
"No! No. Not like that. It's such an elite job. But… I don't think my omega would cope with you… uh… the parts… that involve you taking off your pants. No—wait—I mean… it's totally important and I have nothing but respect for it… but…"
James shifts uncomfortably, his basil scent growing stronger.
My lungs refuse to co-operate. Allen almost looks like he wants to say something, but no sound comes.
There's a loose thread on my sleeve. I twirl it tight around my index finger. Maybe it's my unconscious way of trying to tie myself to this spot. "If… if we were together, it wouldbreakme if you weren't…mine. Just mine. I mean, as a pack, notnotwith each other or anything, I love how you just seem to… lift each other up when you’re together, but I… I couldn’t share my pack with another omega. I know enough about myself to know that. But I can't take your careers away from you. Other omegas need you. And I don't know how youcouldbe mine without doing that." A rogue tear escapes onto my cheek. I swipe it roughly away with my sleeve.
Ralph swallows. "If it was just foryou. If what we did didn't bother your omega. If you weren't worried about other omegas. If you weren't scared of hurting us by wanting us—would you want us?"
He takes a step towards me. I can feel my lip quivering.
"So, so badly. Yes," I want to reach out to him, but my body is… stuck. I swallow down a sob.
Ralph closes his eyes. His face tightens.
Allen still hasn't moved.
Zeke clears his throat. "And if wedidn'tchange our jobs, would you still want us?"
"Of course!" It explodes out of me. "How could Inotwant you? I'll always want you, no matter what, but I just don't know how I could survive if I had to share that part of you, it would hurt so badly—and I know what a hypocrite that makes me. And I… I know I don't know you well enough to know this, but I can't imagine you ever doing something on purpose to hurt me. But… doing what I need you to do would cost you too much."
Zeke's eyes soften. "So, have I got this right, Dellie? You want all of us to be together. You want us to be yours. But you don't want to hurt us by making us yours."
At least he understands. A little wave of relief washes over me. "Yes. That's right."
Seb's eyes soften a little, his lips parting slightly.
"So, what is it you want from us?" Zeke asks. His voice has lost the cold edge that made me want to curl up into myself before.
Sweat is soaking through my shirt. "I… I want you to choose what you want. I want you to choose what will make you… happy. Give you what you need. All of you."
Allen lets out a sharp breath. My eyes open and my head snaps in his direction. Lines pucker his brow. He looks like he's about to cry. James' gaze flashes from me over to him. His mouth pulls taut.
I lick my lips, my nerves twanging. Allen closes his eyes, turning his head away.
My first instinct is to ask him what the matter is. But I stop myself before I can open my mouth. I don't know how I know, but I know it's the wrong question.
A slow breath seeps out as I calm myself and step towards him. Past Seb and Zeke. Past James. My fingers catch Ralph's as I brush past him. I give his fingers a gentle squeeze, his hand warm in mine, as I walk past.
I stop just in front of Allen, the warmth of his chest radiating against my torso. That lemony herbiness is there, but faint and sour and astringent. His breathing is so slow and shallow, for a moment I worry that it has stopped until I see the slight rhythmic shift of a shadow on his shirt as his chest rises and falls.
I lean my head to one side as I stare up at him. "There's something you can't say, isn't there."
He stills completely, then lets his head drop in a nod.
I bite my lip and glance at Ralph. He looks worried. Allen's face is tight with something close to fear.
"What if… what if you didn't have to use your words? What if I loaned you two of mine? Just 'yes' and 'no'?"
Seb snorts. Allen lets out half a chuckle. "Mmmm." He twitches his head in a nod.
I raise an eyebrow. "Is that one of your words, Alpha?"
