At first I was unsure of her meaning. But then, I think I knew what she meant. Ifeltmore at ease. I was no longer plagued by a feeling of uselessness and worthlessness. I was no longer afraid.
“I remember this room so clearly,” commented Clementine wistfully as she walked around the chambers, stopping to gaze out the diamond-shaped window. “I remember sitting right here, where you’re sitting, Stella. With her.” Clementine was the only one of us who had distinct memories of our mother. The rest of us had been too young to remember anything beyond a ghostly, undefined image.
“Are you packed for the nunnery?” I asked her.
Bonnie answered for her. “Clementine will stay a little longer. Your husband has deemed it too dangerous to be transporting her at the moment. He thinks she should wait until Campbell’s intentions are better understood.”
I was glad of this news. I watched my older sister’s face, reading there a relief, and always a compounding sadness that was now a pronounced part of her character. I smiled at her, and she managed to smile back. “I’m relieved, sister,” I said. “I never thought you’d be particularly well suited to a nunnery.”
Bonnie’s hand brushed a strand of my hair behind oneshoulder as she abruptly changed the subject. “Stella, Caleb’s back. Jamie told me. Now that you’re married, he’s no longer considered a threat to the alliance. Jamie said Campbell’s men have been sighted prowling around the Highlands—in our near vicinity. ’Tis making everyone uneasy. And all Morrisons have been ordered to return to Glenlochie to bolster the forces, in case we have need of them. He arrived last night.”
It was a lot of information to absorb.
Caleb.
With some shock, I realized I hadn’t thought of Caleb in some time. Had I thought of him since we’d returned to Glenlochie after my wedding to Kade? I couldn’t remember. Taking a moment to measure the time since I’d last seen him, I realized it had been six or seven weeks since his banishment. Now the memory of him, still sweet, was dulled somehow. Instead of gripping my heart as it had done in the days following his exile, the recollection of him brought only a mild twinge of affection, mingled now with a lurch of tumultuousness.
“Isn’t it wonderful news, Stella?” Maisie said. “Now you can get what you truly want.” Her pink-cheeked face beamed with the pronouncement.
Very nearly losing my temper right then and there, I summoned all my powers of control. I knew my sister very well. And I could read the earnestness in her eyes. She thought, in her heart of hearts, that I wanted nothing to do with Kade Mackenzie. That detail, in itself, was not enough to allow me to forgive her for offering herself to him. I knew how desperately in love withWilkie she had been, and still was. It was a love that would never, ever be realized. He was not only married but madly in love with his royal wife. It might have been only natural that Kade would be the next best thing. A substitute, aye, but still Wilkie’s flesh and blood. Easily accessible. As close to Wilkie as she would ever come, now that he was sworn to another.
But Kade Mackenzie wasmine.A wave of zealous possessiveness undermined my self-control. “What Iwant,Maisie, is for you to stay away from my husband,” I said, and I had never heard my voice sound so forceful and direct.
Maisie looked temporarily stricken, but she recovered quickly. She twirled a lock of her hair around one finger. “Whatever do you mean, Stella?”
I stood, overcome by the image of Maisie, in all her voluptuousness, revealing herself to my husband. “Youknowwhat I mean! You offered yourself to Kade! How could you do such a thing? He’s not Wilkie, he’s Kade!My husband!”
“You never wanted him!” Maisie countered. “It wasmewho was meant to marry a Mackenzie!” Maisie broke down into impassioned tears. Bonnie went to her, patting her head, smoothing her hair as she wept. I felt little empathy for her. “You don’t deserve him,” Maisie blurted out weepily. “Youcan’t give a man like that what he truly wants.”
“I didn’t want him then, Maisie, but I want him now. And you’re wrong about that. In fact, I can give him precisely what he wants.” Beneath my anger and myjealousy, I felt the twinge of a new insecurity.WasI giving him what he wanted? I thought of his ecstasy under my touch, his revelatory release, and I knew that I hadbegunto give him what he wanted. But there was so much more I could give, if he would only let me.
Maisie wiped at her tears. “But what of Caleb?” She was already feeling remorse for her uncaring outburst. “I was only trying tohelpyou, Stella. I thought...if Kade strayed first, then you could be with your beloved Caleb, as you wanted from the start.”
“Aye, Stella,” urged Bonnie. “Do you still have feelings for Caleb?”
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully.
“He wants to see you. Right now.”
* * *
THETHOUGHTOFwhat I might say to Caleb, after all that had happened to me since we’d last been together, was unsettling. Two very distinct desires warred in my head. I thought of the fond memories: the soothing effect his presence had once afforded me, the gentleness of his approach, and how novel that had seemed to me at the time, after all the roughness I’d endured at the hands of men.
But much had passed since Caleb had been exiled. Much had changed.Ihad changed. I was a married woman now. Aside from the technicality of the marriage vows themselves, I now understood that I shared a very real and powerful connection with my new husband that only continued to intensify each time I saw him. Aye, Kade’s aggression had initially stirred mydeepest anxieties. But now, after nearly a month as his wife, I knew there was more to him than aggression. I knew there was compassion. I knew there were wildly appealing layers to his personality and his motivations that I had only barely begun to discover. And Iwantedto discover them. I wanted to discoverhim.As sweet as my memories of Caleb were, I didn’t want his reintroduction into my life to undermine this complex and intriguing quest.
Or did I?
It was this indecision that unnerved me most of all.
“I can’t visit him now,” I said. “I’ve work to do. My husband has appointed me in charge of the refurbishments of the manor.”
My sisters—aside from Maisie, who already knew of my strange new pastime—stared at me in openmouthed surprise.
“And,” I continued, ignoring their shock, “I’d like it very much if you would accompany me. You may choose any area of the keep that you’d like to assist with. You might find you enjoy it, as I have. ’Tis really rather rewarding to watch a room transform from one that’s dirty and unkempt to one where you’d actually like to spend your time. There were some difficulties at first, but the staff is working well after my husband talked to them. The food is somewhat improved, although I still think we could do better. And I’ve a group of young girls I’ve recruited whose job it is to collect the wildflowers—there are some lovely ones this time of year.”
I couldn’t help noticing a change in Clementine’sexpression. She seemed almost...excited. It was a look I hadn’t seen on her face for some time. “Aye, Stella, we’ll help you,” she said. Then, quietly, as though she feared voicing the question aloud: “But what of Father? Won’t he be angry with us for interfering?”
“My husband has promised his...protection.” I hoped for a fleeting moment his sworn protection would extend to my sisters. But then, Kade was staunchly dedicated to his own family—his sisters included. I’d witnessed their close family ties firsthand, and I’d been amazed by their camaraderie. I felt entirely certain that Kade would step up if any threat was posed to my sisters. If I hadn’t felt this certainty, I would never have suggested they come with me. As it was, they seemed surprisingly eager to help. Only Bonnie and Maisie bowed out, claiming that they had other matters to attend to. Lottie and Clementine followed me down the stairs.
