“Never? Why not?”
“She didn’t want to kiss me. I wouldn’t force them on her.”
Does that make him sad? I can’t tell. “But what about before?” He frowns. “I am not stupid, Nico. The mafia is not for monks. I know you would have been with women before marriage.”
“I would never think you’re stupid. Yes, there were women before my first marriage.”
“Then how-”
“Kissing is not required for sex.”
My cheeks flush as I struggle to picture doingthatwithout a single kiss. “Do you mind kissing me?” I ask, hoping he likes it as much as I do.
“I don’t mind it.” Not exactly a ringing endorsement. Then, he cups my face, his gray eyes filled with tenderness. “Ilovekissing you, Matilde. Eighty-three,” he rasps, dipping his head to press his lips to mine again.
My heart starts swelling until it feels like it will soon burst out of my ribcage. He’s been keeping count of our kisses ever since we married? I lost count weeks ago. “I still do not understand.”
“No, you couldn’t because I’ve not told you anything about that part of my past… but I will if you wish to know.”
I nod, encouraging him to begin. After a quiet sigh, he does.
“I took the oath at fourteen.”
“You told me. And you got your scar soon after from a traitor your father sent you to question.”
I reach for his face, and he draws back as he always does… but then stops himself. “It’s okay,” he murmurs, either for me or to convince himself.
Carefully, I touch his temple where the scar begins and slowly trace my way down his face until I reach the point where it ends by his ear. I knew he was sensitive about it, but it finally strikes me how sensitive he might be. “Does it hurt?”
“No. The pain was gone in a few weeks, though it took several months for it to heal and the redness to fade. I still lived at home, and Caterina was only five. Back then, she believed Dante and I could do no wrong, and I’ll admit I relished indulging her every whim, being her hero. But that night when I came home, my mother saw me first and started crying while my father was his usual abrupt self, more interested in what I did to the traitor. When Caterina came downstairs to see what was wrong, she took one look at me, screamed and ran off sobbing. She locked herself in her bedroom. I could hear her crying. It tore at me more than the physical pain. Dante finally convinced her to let him in to console her. Him. Not me.”
“She loves you, Nico. It hurt her because you were hurt.”
“I know that. She was just a child. I never blamed her for her reaction, and I knew how hideous it was. She was my first failure.”
“What failure do you mean?”
He sighs again, shaking his head. “You’re aware how very different things are for boys raised in the mafia versus girls.”
“Of course.”
“I was still a virgin when it happened. For many weeks, I focused on my duties as a Made Man and future Capo as my face healed, but eventually some of my father’s men who knew I hadn’t been with a woman yet took me to one of our brothels. An overdue initiation, they jokingly called it.”
I purse my lips, making him chuckle.
“Yeah, I wasn’t really sure about it either. I was nervous, but I refused to admit it, even to myself. When the women were paraded in front of me, and I was told to choose whichever one I wanted, I caught a few of them staring at my scar and then quickly looking away. I told myself it didn’t matter. One of them kept eye contact with me a bit longer than the others. Her horrified expression when I chose her convinced me of a brutal truth. They would fuck me because that’s what they were paid to do, but they would never want me. When we got to the room, I told her to turn around. I figured if she didn’t want to see my face, I didn’t have to see her revulsion.”
“Not every woman looks at you like that. I don't. I find you very attractive, Nico.” He leans back, staring at me with that suspicious scowl I saw so often in my early days here. How do I convince him? I place my hands on his chest, sure to look deep into those stormy gray eyes. “I do. Have I ever made you feel differently?” Slowly, he shakes his head, but I can tell it will take him time to absorb this truth. “What was your marriage with Margareta like?”
“Unhappy.”
“You said it was a disaster starting with your wedding night. Why?”
“It was arranged for the peace pact after the Trio civil war as you know.From the start, I wasn’t everything I should’ve been with her, Matilde.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was too busy hating myself for my role in Caterina’s match.”
