"I'm sorry about your mom," Julian said.
"Yeah, those were hard days. She took her own life." Rob felt like he had to say it. It was a painful truth he didn't want to hide.
Rob heard Julian gasp softly. "I'm so sorry," he said in a hushed voice.
"She struggled with depression for a long time but especially after she lost her job. She was a music teacher, and she couldn't find any work, so she just kept sinking deeper. The whole time, she was quiet, hiding from us how bad it was. We were her family. We should have seen through her empty smiles." Rob paused then pushed on in a voice raw with emotion. "I was fifteen and my sister was seventeen when it happened. We were at school. My sister had volleyball practice, and I went to watch since she was my ride from school. Dad got home from work first. He found Mom in the bathtub. He was still there kneeling by her side when my sister and I came home. There was no hope. She had been like that since morning."
As the agony of that moment returned to him, Rob just breathed. Julian took his hand, held it tight and put his head on Rob's shoulder. They stayed like that while Rob breathed through the pain that always came back fresh and strong any time he talked about his mom.
Raising his head from Rob's shoulder, Julian asked him, "How did you get through it?"
After a bit, Rob told him, "Sometimes I wonder about that too. Dad was a destroyed. He blamed himself, we all blamed ourselves. My sister and I were so scared for him. For his sake, we kind of buried our grief. But we had to. We couldn't lose him too. My sister was the one who really held us together. I don't know if I could have made it through those years without her. Lying awake when the house was so quiet, all I could hear was my heartbeat reminding me that I was alive and that Mom wasn't. It was too much. I didn't think I could hang on."
Suddenly Julian was hugging him. Finding himself in his tight embrace with the side of his face pressed against Julian's, Rob was afraid he might start sobbing. So many times he forced himself not to cry about his mother that it became second nature. He didn't want to upset his dad, his sister.
Now he just breathed through it and held onto Julian. "Sometimes it was so hard to push through the wall of grief and keep going, not let it crush me, bury me," he confessed.
"You made it," Julian told him.
They pulled apart slowly but sat close. A heavy silence descended over them, but Julian's presence next to him was comforting and warm.
Rob wanted to thank him for being there and listening to him, when Danny suddenly appeared in the doorway. He was breathing fast with his eyes wide and frightened. For a moment, the little boy stood in the doorway, his face anxious as he just stared.
Julian had been about to get up and got to him, but Danny was faster. He rushed in, saying under his breath, "Julian, you're here." He ran over and wrapped himself around Julian's knees.
"You're safe now," Julian told him and picked him up so he could sit in his lap.
Now Lenny was there too, trying desperately to climb on the sofa and failing. Rob helped him out.
"Lenny wants to sit with us too," Rob said as he snuggled with him.
Calmer now that Julian was holding him in his lap, Danny told them what had upset him. "I couldn't see you or Rob or Lenny."
"Wasn't Lenny right there with you?" Julian wondered and Danny shook his head.
"It was probably a dream," Rob said. He remembered nightmares from the time after his mother died about walking the empty house, not able to find his mom or his dad or his sister. Then Christie would shake him awake, reassuring him that at least she and Dad were still there.
"We were in here watching TV," Julian told Danny. "You want to watch TV with us for a little bit?"
As all of them sat together, Danny was calmer, even kind of happy. They watched a little TV together then Julian told his little brother, "Back to bed with you. I'll sit with you until you fall asleep."
Danny wasn't eager to go, but he cooperated as Julian carried him out and Lenny followed. Leaning his chin on Julian's shoulder, Danny waved to Rob.
"Good night again," Rob told him with a wave.
As long as he could run to Julian, that little guy was OK. Danny knew he was safe and loved. Julian and everything about him were like a cocoon that could keep all the bad things out.
Rob had gotten a little taste of that for himself when he was held in Julian's arms. He found comfort and warmth there and also a feeling of something hot and vibrant coming alive inside him, telling him not to let go.
