No, he refused to accept that he was either lonely or guilty. This was just one bad night. He lay in bed and struggled to sleep, staring up at the ceiling in the dark as though there were something there he could actually see. If he was honest with himself, he would admit he was dreading tomorrow—the next day, too, and the day after that. He was dreading seeing Anna again, having to say goodbye to her, having to be as cruel as he suspected he’d be forced to be.
It took him two hours to fall asleep that night, and another two hours to stop dreaming about her. Once, he woke in the night and made plans to leave town until the film crew left. Of course,he wouldn’t really be able to do that. Someone had to look after the livestock and horses. He rolled over and groaned. There was no way around it. He was going to be in a hell of his own making for as long as she was here. And it was up to him to bear it. The alternative would be irresponsible, unreasonable, and absolutely unacceptable. No doubt about it.
CHAPTER 16
ANNA
There was no live music tonight at the Jolly Ram. Anna sat at the bar, sipping her drink, and felt like she had no business being there. It was ridiculous how deeply one man’s childish temper tantrum could affect her. Charlie didn’t own this place just because he was a regular. The owner happened to be right behind the bar tonight, and he seemed more than happy to have the business she brought.
She kept having to remind herself of this fact no matter how final it seemed every time she came to the conclusion that she was unwanted. Even so, within about ten minutes, she’d forget her own good sense and start feeling like it was her fault Charlie wasn’t here, like she’d stolen something from him somehow. But she hadn’t. She hadn’t. She’dsavedit for him.
Anna was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even notice when someone came and sat beside her. “You look miserable, girl,” said a woman’s voice.
“Huh?” Anna lifted her head to see a familiar face sitting beside her. It was Jasmine, a boom-mic operator she’d hit it off with from pretty much the first day. The two of them had so much incommon, and they fell into an easy conversation every time they spoke. Anna hadn’t yet shared any problems related to anything outside the movie, and so she felt a bit hesitant about doing so now. Still, it would be nice to have someone to confide in.
“I said, you look miserable,” Jasmine repeated. “What can I do to cheer you up?”
“Probably nothing,” Anna said. “It’s just relationship stuff.”
“You’re in a relationship?” Jasmine asked. “I had no idea.”
Before she quite realized what she was doing, Anna breathed a deep sigh and let way too much out. “Neither did I—that’s the whole problem. I mean, what even is a relationship? We were together, and it seemed like we were happy, and then all of a sudden, he doesn’t even want to talk to me. Can anyone call that a relationship, really?”
As she described her situation, the expression on Jasmine’s face began to change. “Oh, no,” she said when Anna was done ranting. “You didn’t sleep with him, did you?”
Anna couldn’t bring herself to answer that question. She felt awkward just hearing it. It seemed so obvious now that she thought about it. He’d gotten what he wanted from her, and now he just wanted her out of his life. She let her forehead fall onto the bar with a groan. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Don’t feel too bad,” Jasmine said. “We’ve all done it. Men are just good at faking it right up until they’re not, you know? They say and do all the right things, and we fall for it because we just want to be loved. It keeps happening to me, anyway, over and over again.”
“Really?” Anna was surprised anyone would be so honest and open so easily. She decided she should probably reciprocate. “I guess I just thought he was different. He didn’t seem like that’s what he wanted. In fact, I kind of thought he hated me at first. I mean, he was cute, but he seemed to be mostly annoyed by me. I was surprised when he actually kissed me out of the blue.”
“That just confirms it,” Jasmine said. “He only wanted what he wanted, and he wasn’t interested until he thought he could get what he wanted. Honestly, I’ve been there, too. It sucks. But he doesn’t deserve you anyway. Right? Look at you!” She nudged Anna with an elbow. “You’re a catch! Anyone with eyeballs can see that. He’s an idiot to let someone like you get away.”
Anna recognized that for the flattery it was, but she’d be lying if she claimed it didn’t make her feel any better. The fact that anyone cared enough to flatter her was a comfort all on its own. “Thanks, Jas,” she said. “You’re right. I should stop moping.”
“Oh, I didn’t say stop moping.” Jasmine laughed and waved the bartender over. “Just mope better. Mope louder. Mope on the dance floor with a drink in your hand.”
Her voice was so reassuring and energetic that Anna couldn’t help perking up at the sound of it. “You know, you’re right,” she said, downing the last of her drink and handing the empty glass to the bartender. “One more, please.” Then she turned on her stool to see the rest of the bar’s patrons all sitting quietly, nursing their individual drinks. “Too bad there isn’t a dance floor here,” she said.
“Oh.” The bartender’s voice came from behind her. She turned to find him holding out a fresh drink for her. “That’s something we can fix for you, if you like.”
Jasmine didn’t even wait for Anna to reply. She just jumped up and said, “Yes! Teach us all to line dance. Wait. Do you know how to line dance?”
That was the beginning of the rest of the evening, which so successfully pulled Anna out of her funk that she never thought of it again that night. She was determined to enjoy her last week on the job. There was a benefit to never putting down roots—you never got attached to anything. And walking away was something Anna was uniquely good at doing. She’d been doing it since she was a child. She’d been saying goodbye to friends and places, teachers and coworkers. There never really was a place she called home, and if that was good for anything, it was good for a situation exactly like this one.
If he breaks your heart, you let him go. You walk away, and you never look back.
In a sense, the director had handed Anna a gift. He’d allowed her more time to find the location for one scene, the climactic scene, the last love confession. She’d been all around town looking for the perfect spot. To her, the entire movie hinged on getting this one scene right, and no particular location seemed to fit like the glove she so badly wanted it to be.
They’d been filming in town that morning and had moved to the ranch in the afternoon to get a few shots redone. Anna had seen nothing of Charlie, though she didn’t know whether that was a good or a bad thing. The ranch itself now held so many memories for her. A week ago, she would have told anyone who asked that they were treasured memories she desperately wanted to keep. Now, she felt quite differently about them. Theydidn’t represent anything worth remembering anymore. In fact, the only reason she might want to remember any of them was to prevent herself from making the same mistake twice.
The more she thought about it, the more she wanted to get off the ranch as quickly as possible, if only to minimize the memories she was now being forced to relive. It really was good at holding on to memories, this land, wasn’t it?
She wandered past the barn and recalled Charlie looking after his horse. She recalled the way she felt like that was the first time she had ever truly seen him. Just seeing the building brought that all back. The outline of his truck in the distance brought back the memory of their first meeting, just as the outline of his house brought back the memory of her first night there. There was no surprise, no question why Charlie had fought to hold on to this place. It was all he had left of his family, his childhood, his mother.
He had been so vulnerable to share any of that with her. She couldn’t believe the same man who had allowed himself to be that vulnerable had only wanted a night with her, after which he intended to throw her away. It just seemed so unlike him. But maybe he was as good an actor as any she had seen on camera. Maybe Jasmine was right that this was just something men were good at doing—taking advantage and walking away.
Every time Anna considered it, though, something in her fought the idea. She could chalk it up to pride, but that didn’t seem right either. He wasn’t someone she thought of as a proud man. He was just reserved, and there wasn’t really anything wrong with that. She couldn’t fault him, not even a little bit. Every time part of her wanted to blame him or think ill of him, she remembered that conversation they had beneath his mother’s favorite tree.
